When Two Pray As One

“If you believe in prayer at all, expect God to hear you. If you do not expect, you will not have. God will not hear you unless you believe He will hear you; but if you believe He will, He will be as good as your faith.” – Charles Spurgeon.  

Have you ever heard somebody talk about “the power of prayer?” It is a phrase that is often used by Christians, but not everyone fully understands the meaning and impact of it. Prayer allows us to commune with the Heavenly Father. Prayer has the ability to strengthen marriages in multiple ways. It is like a triangle with God at the peak; as we draw closer to God through prayer, we draw closer to each other.

Praying together in today’s hectic world is hard to practice. Yes, we prayed for our meals together and with the kids when it is bedtime. And yes, we prayed together with the people in our small group when they had prayer requests, but we seldom prayed as husband and wife for our marriage.   

Couples who pray together say there is a definite connection between prayer time together and the quality of the relationship. For example, you get to hear what is on your spouse’s heart and what he or she is concerned about and they get to hear what you are concerned about. Prayer keeps you connected to each other and to God. They went on to say that during seasons when they were really busy and neglected prayer, they saw a significant difference in their interactions, and in their compassion for one another.  Praying together helps defuse anger and conflict. It is hard to stay mad and bitter when you are praying with and for each other daily. Prayer helps you cast your cares on the Lord and allows “my” calendar to become “our” calendar because you share the needs and burdens with each other.

Praying together every day creates a bond of understanding. It is a gift that we can give to our spouse and he or she gives to us, as we lift each other up in prayer. Praying together gives the couple a sense of unity and can put  an “opening statement” and a “closing paragraph” on God’s chapter for that day in our lives. It also makes it much easier to ignore or dispel the outside influences that can distract us from our purpose—to glorify God and reflect His glory through our marriage.

Some things to pray for: 

Pray for  growth and maturity in the marriage relationship.

Pray that God will heal any issues that are affecting the marriage.

Pray that God will teach you how to be the husband/wife he desires for you to be.

Pray that God will help you see His will.

Discussion Questions: 

  1. Do you pray together as a couple? What is the biggest deterrence to the two of you praying together? What can help you remove the roadblock?
  2. What is the first step you need to take to start praying together?

Yes, I Really Do

Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.” – Dave Willis

Over 200 years ago, George Washington wrote a letter to a friend saying: “I have always considered marriage as the most interesting event of one’s life, the foundation of happiness or misery.” The experience of every generation from that date to today has not changed at all. 

Marriage is no easier today than in George Washington’s time. It still involves blending two different personalities, with unique experiences, biases and visions for the future, into one unit. Marriage still requires the same kind of thoughtful attention, planning and deliberate investment that we give to our physical health and financial portfolios. It is all about commitment. It is all about a covenant.  

There was a popular song years ago called “The Motions.” This is how the chorus goes: I don’t wanna go through the motions…I don’t wanna go one more day…Without your all consuming passion inside of me…I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking…What if I had given everything…Instead of going through the motions.

There are many marriages today that are simply going through the motions. There is only a causal commitment so the success of the marriage is based on apathy and the feelings of the person on that particular day. That is the opposite of real commitment of a covenant between you and your spouse. The same thing can happen with our walk with God. We don’t feel God’s presence, or someone in the church wounds us or we are exhausted from herding the kids so I don’t feel like having a quiet time, or praying or going to church and small group. In the same vein, our commitment to marriage will be tested when the difficulties of life and the pull of responsibilities set in. The question is, where do we turn when that happens. We turn to the commitment, the covenant we made.   

It is the same in our commitment to Christ. When we are saved, we are on fire, ready to change the world. When the testing and trial set in (and they will come) it’s up to us to keep the flames burning.  Faith in the Lord involves commitment. The New Testament is quite clear that we are saved by our faith in Christ, not by ethical behavior or benevolent actions. Faith in Him, however, involves a commitment to follow His leadership—to do all we can to fulfill His expectations of us with no ifs, ands, or buts.  When we fail to keep a promise or commitment to others, we fail in our relationship with God. Our commitments to others are inseparably linked to our covenant with God.  

Discussion Questions: 

  1. In what relationships do you find it most difficult to keep commitments? Why? How will this passage encourage you to approach your commitments differently?
  2. What does the way you treat others say about your relationship with God? What changes do you need to make?

The Gift Of Time

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” – Luke 6:38. 

When love is newly in the air, you want to spend every waking minute with the object of your affection. Even a few hours spent apart feels like an eternity, and you cannot wait for the anticipated reunion when you are once again in the company of your loved one. But strange things happen when you get married. That desire to spend all that one-on-one time together begins to dissipate. I believe that couples with strong relationships spend a couple hours a day in one-on-one, intentional time together. Yes, it can be a challenge to find that much time, but it is worth it.    

The reality is you will drift away from your spouse when you don’t make time to talk and interact with a specific purpose, rather than just idle chit chat. The same thing happens when we forget to pray and are so busy you don’t make time to meet with God. We begin to drift away. Just as we need to be intentional in our relationship with God to mature spiritually, we have to do the same in our marriages to grow closer to our spouse.

The obvious answer is to make time for each other. Maybe we need to move it up on our priority list. It may be that we stop doing some things, or maybe we need to learn to say no, or maybe we just need to get better at time management. You don’t get much credit for going through the motions or doing the bare minimum. Nothing is likely to improve if you spend a few minutes now and again just for show, so you can check that marriage requirement as being completed. Marriages, in fact all relationships, will not grow deeper or richer on minimal efforts and on tidbits and leftovers. Eventually, a successful marriage requires more. Spending time with your spouse reduces arguments, misunderstandings, miscommunication and will go a long way to reducing conflict. 

We should expect more as husband and wife. It’s too easy to give our best time and energy away to everyone and everything else, other than the one you vowed before God to “love, honor, and cherish.”  It is hard to see how we can be loving, honoring, and cherishing our spouse if we never spend any quality time with him or her.   

Once you start making it a routine for a couple of weeks, it will become more natural and normal to you. And, you and your spouse will have that personal time to talk about or talk through anything that you need to — life, work, each other, the kids, your spiritual walk with Christ.    

Discussion Questions: 

  1. Is there more “me” time or more “our” time in your marriage? 
  2. What can we do this week to make more time for our marriage/relationships? 

Marriage Peace Conference

But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union?And what was the one God. seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.” – Malachi 2:14-15 (ESV).  

Did you hear the one about the wedding ceremony of a young contract lawyer and his bride? When the minister got to the vows, he said “Do you take this woman for better? For worse? For richer? For poorer? In sickness? In conflict? And in health?” He was startled to hear the groom cautiously reply, “Yes. No. Yes. No. No. No. And yes.” Of course, we’d all like to sign up for the better, richer, and healthier parts when we get married and forget about all that other stuff. Especially conflict. Nobody wants conflict in their marriage or any other part of their lives.   

Conflict is common to all marriages, but that doesn’t mean they have to jeopardize a relationship. In fact, they can bring a couple closer together. It depends on how the couple handles the conflict. Some couples end up fighting and holding grudges, deciding to go through the motions on the outside but no longer caring on the inside. On the other hand, successful couples have the ability to actively work on the problem. They have developed a way to handle conflict; they have a conscious strategy or game plan for resolving their differences. One possible tool to help them do that is to plan and to convene a marriage peace conference. A peace plan can help couples get back to what is right rather than who is right in a conflict. 

We’re told in the Bible, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.“ (Romans 12:18) So we need to do what we can, with God’s help, to be a peacemaker within your home. Schedule a mutually agreeable “appointment” to discuss what’s bothering you. It is a face-to-face meeting to put your cards on the table and to resolve any differences and hopefully either take the steam out of the conflict or put it behind you. That doesn’t mean that you can never say anything negative to your spouse. It just means that you come to the peace conference prepared to both listen and carefully and prayerfully speak.

During the peace conference be willing to flex and yield to your partner at times. As we’re told in scripture. James 3:17 (TLB) says, “Wisdom… is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others. It’s full of mercy and good deeds. It’s wholehearted and straightforward and sincere.“  Romans 12:10 adds, “Love each other with genuine affection,[a] and take delight in honoring each other.” 

Rather than living with conflict, consider holding a peace conference and see how God wants to work in and reconcile each marriage.  

Discussion Questions:

  1. As a couple, do you have a conscious strategy or game plan for resolving your differences? If not, have you ever stopped to analyze the way you handle conflict? Does a peace conference make sense to you? If not, why not? 

Conflict of Interest

“And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” – 2 Corinthians 5:-18-19. 

Conflict in marriage.  Those times when we were at odds with our spouse, when we simply couldn’t see eye to eye. When we weren’t on the same page. When he or she made your blood boil. Take two, imperfect, human beings that are filled with sin, put them under the same roof and conflict will be a byproduct one time or another, to some degree or another. But while some conflict may be unavoidable, no one wants a marriage filled with conflict. So, the question becomes “how can I best manage conflicts when they arise?” 

The tension that comes from conflict can be healthy and beneficial to growth if dealt with correctly. Look at Jesus. When Jesus addressed problems, He tackled them head-on. While delivering the Sermon on the Mount (and later in Matthew 18) he dealt with the issue of conflicts brought about either by others offending us or by our offending them:

In Matthew 5:23-24: “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

While Jesus was addressing the problem of sin, there were broader principles at work in His teaching. No matter who caused the problem, the solution is the same: First, go to the person with whom you are experiencing a conflict and address the issues face-to-face. I’m not suggesting this is easy. In fact, often the last person we want to talk to is the one we are in conflict with. 

But that is what the Lord expects us to do, and to do so quickly. Jesus counseled that, if someone is worshiping God and remembers that he or she has offended someone, the appropriate response is to stop right there and go immediately to the offended individual. With those words, Jesus made it clear that healthy relationships are more important than correct ritual. That is because our relationship with God is better gauged by our human relationships than by religious ritual. 

Jesus’ advice is to take the initiative. When you have done something wrong, you go and make it right. When someone else has wronged you, you still take the first step. Jesus is not asking us to do anything He hasn’t modeled for us. He gave up heaven to come down to earth, become a servant and died to repair our broken relationship with the Father. In Jesus Christ, God takes the initiative. When we come to see how important people are to God, we will take the initiative in resolving relational breakdowns.

Discussion Questions: 

  1. Conflict between people is natural. How can we glorify God in conflict?  How does unresolved conflict affect your relationship with God? 
  2. How can I show Jesus at work in me by taking responsibility for my part in the conflict?
  3. What can I do to minimize conflict in my marriage? 

Patience Is A Virtue

“Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” – Romans 12:12. 

We’ve all looked skyward and prayed, “Lord, make me more patient—and do it now.”

Patience can evaporate in every facet of life: when we are late for a critical engagement while inching forward in traffic or when we get in a line at Walmart that looks like it is moving only to stall once we chose it. And of course, we lose our patience with our spouse.  

Patience is defined as the ability to endure graciously. We all have to deal at times with people or circumstances that try our composure – an ungrateful child, an unqualified boss, a spouse taking our hard work around the house for granted. How graciously do we behave in these circumstances?

The Bible says God will be faithful to complete the good works He began in us (Philippians 1:6). That implies there’s going to be some “in the meantime” when we’re all less than perfect and less than easy to love. This is where patience comes in. The apostle Paul instructs us to “…lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3).

We also have to exercise patience as we wait for God’s plan for us to unfold. At times we will wait for answers to prayers, for deliverance, and for provision. It helps to remember how very patient God has to be with us on a daily basis: “But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.”(1 Timothy 1:16)

This patience thing may take some time to develop, but we can learn to be more patient and graciously endure the process. There are intersections in Panama City that the light is red so long that I could read a chapter in a book waiting for it. It is difficult to be patient when cars 10 lights away go through the light before it turns green for me.  But then I think about God and about developing patience. The light turned green a few moments later, and I went on my way vowing to better embrace patience during my day and in my marriage, even if in a very small way.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Who in my life can benefit from me extending them more patience?
  2. How would becoming more patient change my day, my outlook, my health, or my relationships?

Overcoming Distractions

“Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.” – Proverbs 4:25.

 A great marriage has many benefits, but nobody reaps the benefits without putting in the work. The first rule of a successful marriage is this: work hard and stay focused. Sounds like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? So why do we not do it? We get distracted. Distraction takes many forms in life today. Maybe you are preparing for a presentation you have to give at work. You are trying to get it done while you have the time and inclination when you begin to wonder if you should clean out that drain or whether the stock market is up or down. We chase “rabbits” that won’t be worth the reward once we catch them.

Distractions not only affect our marriage but our relationships with God. When we are distracted we have a diminished ability to think deeply about Him, to truly know Him as He is, and to grow more like Him. It is harder and harder to stop long enough to study the scriptures. We struggle with the attention needed to find quality time for God. Where prayer used to be the first activity of the day, we now begin our daily routine by checking our e-mail or checking our Facebook page. 

When you are doing something important, whatever that is, it requires your full attention: It is important that you don’t get distracted because typically that is when things go wrong. As followers of Jesus, to be at our absolute best, we must be focused, which means we must be focused on what matters most. For Christians, distractions can be a real threat to that focus. 

Jesus sets the standard that we should model on focus. In Luke 13:22-24 (MSG) we read: “He went on teaching from town to village, village to town, but keeping on a steady course toward Jerusalem. A bystander said, “Master, will only a few be saved?” He said, “Whether few or many is none of your business. Put your mind on your life with God. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires your total attention.”

Jesus was subject to all the pressures we are and yet remained completely disciplined, always giving His time to what was ultimately most important. He was constantly moving forward to the ultimate goal of Jerusalem. Jesus knew exactly what needed His attention. He knew what He was meant to be doing and where He was meant to be going.  

What really matters most, no matter who we are or what calling we have in life, is our relationship with God. If we allow anything to distract us from our relationship with Him we will never be able to be who He has called us to be, or do what He has called us to do. If there is one lesson we learn from watching Jesus it’s the fact that He never allowed His schedule to crowd out His time alone with God. He knew no matter what else was going on His relationship with his Father had to have top priority.

Discussion Questions:

  1. What are some distractions that can impact our daily walk with God? 
  2. What can we do this week to keep from being distracted and completely focused on God? 

All That Kid Stuff Is hard

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4. 

Bob and Jane hit a rough patch in their marriage, but not as a result of fireworks: there were no knockdown, drag out fights, no threats or ultimatums causing the problem. Rather it was a gradual erosion. The erosion was so gradual that Bob and Jane looked up one day and realized that their solid, happy, even enviable marriage was in trouble. 

Like countless other couples, Bob and Jane had unintentionally let their day-to-day routine of juggling careers and parenting their three kids become a distraction to their marriage. The time they used to devote to the two of them is now being invested in the five of them.  

Raising a child is one of the most selfless things we can do. As a parent, there is no one else we would rather give our attention to than our children. It just seems to make sense. It becomes a distraction when we are spending so much time and energy on the kids that we do not have enough attention from each other to maintain a happy, healthy relationship.

Once children arrive, most couples find themselves spending less and less time together. Some of this was practical, a matter of convenience—one parent running their son to basketball practice while the other took their daughter to gymnastics. By the time the kids were delivered to and then picked up and a few errands were run in between there is little ‘us” time to spend with your spouse. The “us” time can start feeling like interruptions. 

All parents want their children to be happy. But many couples today go too far, letting everything revolve around their kids. This hurts the children and the marriage. The good news is you don’t have to choose between your spouse and your kids. They are not mutually exclusive, In fact, I would suggest that putting your marriage first actually produces happier kids.

The key is to guard the time you have with your spouse.  Fight against potential distractions in relationships by having a date night with your spouse. The benefits of date night are endless. Taking one night every week helps you reconnect and communicate as partners, and gives you the opportunity to have fun together.

The distractions we’ve discussed this week are only a few that will be thrown our way. Distractions do not have to destroy our marriage. We can effectively take action against distractions. And when we use them, our marriage will come out stronger than ever.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Do you believe children can be a distraction? 
  2. What can we do this week to ensure we don’t let distractions hinder us from having the marriage God wants for us.

Shiny, Beeping Distractions

“Technology is a useful servant but a dangerous master.” –  Christian Lous Lange  

You know the drill. When waiting in Publix, or for the school bus to arrive, we naturally reach for our phone and begin checking things that you just checked the last time you had some time to pass.  It becomes almost a reflex action; whether we’re texting, checking social media, taking selfies, or playing games, we will drop everything to take a peek.  Jumping on Facebook to respond to a message costs me several minutes, but by then the person in front of me at Publix is walking out the door. Our technologically-driven culture has made it almost impossible to just be still.  

While technology makes many things in life easier than they’ve ever been, it also makes being distracted easier than ever. After all, who can resist those shiny, beeping distractions? And these shiny, beeping distractions can divert our attention from God and our relationships. We tell ourselves we can multitask and that we can keep up with technology and with our relationships.  But one usually suffers in the end. The better solution is cut out the distractions as much as possible.  

So how do we use the technology so needed in today’s world and yet keep it from distracting us from what’s important in our relationships? Technology itself is not evil. In fact, it has many good uses. God can use technology for good in our lives. But when we’re not careful, it can definitely become a distraction that gets in the way of what God wants us to do. I’ve talked with many couples who have allowed technology to interfere with their relationship. While eating dinner together, they also text. Or when they are enjoying their morning coffee, they are on their computers or using their smartphones. It happens to all of us because it is easy to do.  

In order to keep technology from becoming a problem, we should remember that we are created for more, so much more. We were created for more than drowning ourselves in social media. We were created for so much more than technology can give us. We need to put technology and its distractions aside and concentrate on our relationship with God and with our spouse. For some of us, this will not be an easy path. It will require dying to ourselves and our devices daily. But it will be worth it. God wants a different life for us. He wants us to be so fixed on His glory and so in love with His beauty that we live with all our might for Him. And he will be with us every step of the way.

Spend time with your spouse without your devices nearby. Ask family and friends to hang out in person — and then suggest that everyone put their phones away so you can avoid distractions. Invest in your spouse. 

We were not created for earth — but for eternity. We were not created to be liked but to show love. We were not created to draw attention to ourselves but to give glory to God. We were not created to collect followers but to follow Christ.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Is technology a distraction in your lives and marriage? How is it a distraction? Which technology devices are most distracting? Discuss things you might do to help each other overcome these distractions.
  2. How is technology helpful in your marriage? How can you use it to be more helpful and less distracting?
  3. How can you control technology in your life and marriage and not allow it to control you?

Keeping Focus In A World Of Distractions

Starve your distractions, feed your focus.” – Unknown  

We all have one thing in common: we all face distractions. Incoming texts, emails, calls, Facebook, Instagram, video games, or that series on Netflix we’ve been binge watching. Distractions have become omnipresent. So much so that many people work on their marriage with the leftover minutes we have after all the distractions.

When dating there is plenty of time together. And there is plenty of time in the early days of marriage as well. Our spouse is always there: at dinner, watching TV, reading the Bible, shopping, and taking walks together. As newlyweds, couples are typically addicted to each other.  But then come the distractions and the amount of time spent together starts to erode. We start spending more and more time with the kids. We invest more and more hours in pursuing that next promotion. Hobbies take center stage.

We tell ourselves we will get back to where we were once we deal with whatever distraction we are facing. “I’ll deal with it when the kids go back to school” or “once I get the corner office I will have it made.” That is why distractions are so dangerous and subtle at the same time. They eat up time previously invested in our marriage. And once they are present, there is never a convenient time to deal with them. We never intend for it to go on for that long, but there are always more distractions, lots more reasons, lots more stress. Months of distractions can easily turn into years of regret. 

One of the best ways to keep focused on God and each other is to spend time with Him individually and with each other. Plan for this time and make it a priority. Remember that Jesus did this in His busy life, and so must we. And also remember that Satan will do everything to keep you from it. 

One thing is for sure. Things won’t change on their own.  There’s never a convenient time to do what’s difficult. But there is no better time than now to deal with distractions and make your marriage better. Find some time to get away. Consider a time without the kids and other periodic short-term dates: a day trip, a weekend outing, or a long night out.  But not just to have a dinner or movie alone. Make it a time of dialogue, of introspection.  Ask the tough questions, assess our roles as husband and wife, father and mother, etc. And just enjoy each others company.

Discussion Questions: 

  1. When was the last time you and your spouse planned a time to really discuss and invest in your marriage?
  2. What things in your life distract you from God and each other?