The Value Of Self-Disclosure

He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” – Sigmund Freud

It is not too uncommon to find marriage filled with secrets.  From “little white lies” to more significant secrets, the married couple does not feel the freedom to be completely honest with one another. So for whatever reason, they decide to cover things up and hide things from one another. In most cases, however, their secrets are uncovered and the marriage often ends in the dark place of trying to separate the truth from the lies.   

As Christians, none of us would argue that the healthiest of marriages are those filled with honesty, authenticity, and transparency. It would be hard to find anybody that believes there is room in marriage for lies and deceit. So why do we keep secrets? In fairness, most couples have the best of intentions. They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, being tactful or being tolerant. They feel the relationship will be damaged if the truth gets out, although that is exactly what usually happens anyway.

You’ve probably got secrets—private, hidden things you do or think when you’re alone, or perhaps something that happened a long time ago that you prefer to keep to yourself.  Are these secrets good or bad? How should you determine whether keeping something from your spouse is justifiable? The question of “to tell, or not to tell” can be settled by wrestling with the “why” and “how” reasoning behind keeping a secret.

If you’ve got a secret, the “why” question is, “why are you keeping this knowledge from your spouse?” Do you honestly believe what you’re doing is best for both of you? Or are you just scared of what might happen if the secret comes out?

Then follow the “why” question with a “how” question: “How is your marriage enhanced and intimacy promoted by keeping this secret?” By keeping the secret are you sincerely seeking the highest and best good of God’s great gift of marriage?

Secrets. They may have their place, but that place is rarely a healthy marriage. Even though it may feel risky to open up with the one you love, the rewards of deepened intimacy far exceed the risk and struggle it takes to get there. It can take huge amounts of energy to keep a secret hidden. That energy would be put to better use in promoting your closeness as a couple.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Why is telling secrets so hard?
  2. Why is it better to disclose our secrets rather than have our spouse find out?
     
     

Reconcilable Differences

“And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.”  – Ezekiel 16:8.

It might have been decades ago, it may have been yesterday. It may have been in front of a large group, or a very small one. It could have been very formal or it could have been very casual. It could have cost a king’s ransom. It could have cost the price of a marriage license. But sometime, somewhere we said “i do” and got married. After all, we were head over heels in love and felt a combination of excitement and anxiousness to get married. The actual wedding was a blur. But, after the reception dissolved and people made their way for home, and the bridesmaids were packing the gifts in the car, the reality of our responsibilities before God as husband and wife sank in. And then there is this whole purity thing.

Marital purity is a difficult challenge. Sin is like an undercurrent in the ocean, if you play in it, you will be overpowered and carried away into certain destruction. We may bring sin into the marriage with us or we may start practicing it when we are married. Satan wants us to think that we won’t take our sin to the next level. He wants us to think that we’re stronger than we really are. He wants to make us think that we’ll never go “that far.” All the time we think we won’t go where we don’t want to go. But we can and do. One of the ways Satan works this angle is to tempt you to think that purity is a line in the sand rather than a posture of the heart. He wants you to think that if you don’t cross a certain line, you’re “staying pure.” The problem with this kind of thinking is that Jesus says if we lust in our heart, we’ve sinned and are condemned before God (Matthew 5:27-30).

Purity is all about the heart. The age old question of “how far is too far” may be revealing a desire to get as close to sin as possible rather than a desire to “flee” as God calls us to do: “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18). So I ask you, what’s the posture of your heart? Are you seeking to find ways to flee from lust or getting as close as you can? Be careful to not underestimate your vulnerability, or as Paul said, “If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.” (1 Corinthians 10:12).

Purity is a daily choice. Even when you’re in a solid, God-honoring relationship—even when you’re married, in fact—purity is an ongoing challenge. Draw close to God and ask for His help in resisting temptation. 

Discussion Questions

  1. How do you define intimacy?
  2. What can we do to better insulate ourselves from temptation this week?

Pure And Simple

“Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues.”— C. S. Lewis

The Bible has a great deal to say about purity. Matthew 5:8 says, “God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. I Thessalonians 4:3-5,7 says, “God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways…God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.” And I Corinthians 6:18—20 adds, “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

So many times when we talk about purity, we put it in terms of dos and don’ts. Can I go here? Should I read this book? Is it wrong to see this movie? Is this blouse too revealing? Should I listen to this music? Or we talk about purity as a series of options or choices. But purity is not primarily about sex, or what you do or don’t do, or about what you watch or read or what you say. Purity is not about you or your desires. Purity is about doing what honors God. Purity is about God.

God has a stake in our purity  He has called us to be pure and He is glorified when we walk in purity. The real question is not “should I do this?” or “would I enjoy this?” or “will this get me in trouble?” but “will this honor God?” Will it honor God for me to spend time with this person? Does this addiction of mine dishonor the Lord? Will it reflect badly on the Lord if I go along with my friends? Will it dishonor God to not be completely truthful to my wife about my extracurricular activities?

Andy Stanley talks about putting up guardrails —warning systems you put up within your marriage. God has a standard for marriage and for purity. We need guardrails so we don’t violate those standards. No guardrails often leads to trouble because perhaps the couple wouldn’t have strayed into dangerous places. 

Not too many spouses think, when they first get married, that they will not stray into dangerous behavior. But it happens. You think that it won’t happen to you.” “There’s no way! Not Me!” Think again —many who were as strong as they thought they could be, have weakened beyond their wildest imaginations, and have fallen. Even the most innocent of beginnings, with the best of intentions, can end up where you find yourself flirting with danger.

Married couples need to put those guardrails up before a dangerous temptation catches their attention. With no guardrail in place they strayed into doing what they they shouldn’t have. Whatever act could threaten your marriage is exactly the act you should be guarding yourselves by setting up guardrails to keep that from happening. 

Discussion questions:

  1. Is purity realistic let alone possible in today’s culture? Why or why not? 
  2. What guardrails do I need in my marriage/relationships this week? 

Half and Half Marriage

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” – Matthew 7:24-27.

When two people get married, they have high expectations about their relationship. The expectation is the other person will “meet me halfway” and that “you do your part, and I’ll do mine.” This concept sounds logical, but does not work. In my experience, the half and half plan does not work. Why?

Because it is difficult to determine if your spouse is doing their half. Because neither of you can agree on what their half is, so each spouse is left to subjectively determine whether you are getting the better or the worse end of the deal. Couple that with the fact that many times in a marriage, both partners are busy, overworked, and feel taken for granted. The real issue isn’t who did more or less that day. It is not a test of who contributes more or who has more responsibility. The important dilemma is, how do you build oneness and teamwork instead of keeping score and waiting for the other person to meet your expectations while they are waiting for you to meet theirs. It can quickly become a Catch 22 which is defined as a dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions. 

The solution to the marriage Catch 22 can be found in Philippians 2:3: “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.” Basically that is the 100 percent plan which means you are willing to give 100 percent. Or in other words, I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return. The Bible describes this plan well in Matthew 22:39: “…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”  There is no closer neighbor than your spouse. 

Now the enemy will try to get you back to the half and half plan. You will hear a voice that says, “should I be doing this housework while he is out fishing?” Or “why shouldn’t I buy myself some new golf clubs, since she keeps buying shoes and already owns a thousand or so pairs.” You will never have all of your expectations met in marriage on this fallen planet. Marriage is the union of two imperfect people who can and will have demands that will lead to disappointment and hurt. This is where we need God’s model of unconditional and unlearned love.

 Discussion Questions:

  1. What are the problems with a quid pro quo marriage?
  2. What are the obstacles to giving 100 percent to our spouse without expecting anything in return? 

Mutual Submission

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7.

Mutual submission – what does it mean and better yet, how can I apply it in my life? In simple terms, mutual submission means “I’m going to leverage my resources, my time, my talent, etc. for your benefit.” Regardless of who we are or what role we have, this is God’s standard for relationships. So what is it all about and how do I go about doing that?

This question will help: ”What can I do to help?” This is a game changer, especially if everyone in the family adopts this mindset. Stop for moment for this mental picture: one of your kids comes up to you and says, “Hey Mom, hey Dad, what can I do to help?” Your immediate thought is, “who is this kid, and what have you done with my son?” After the initial shock, you smile. You look at your wife who has accidentally swallowed her gum. You decide there is hope for the world after your generation is gone after all. You decide to try it and ask your son or daughter, “What can I do to help?” For the first time in years, they turn off their electronic devices and you have their rapt attention. For the first time in a long time you are communicating. Wow.

Then conjure up a mental picture of wives, rather than being unintentionally critical, and ask, “what can I do to help?” Suddenly, the husband drops his remote control and by doing so turns off the football game in the middle of the biggest comeback in collegiate history. By asking that question, you are telling your husband that “I am aware of your responsibility, the burden you carry.” It tells him that you value, affirm, and respect him. If the husband asked the wife the same question, she would be no less surprised. She may look a little closer and then ask quietly, “we have been married for 17 years and I don’t know you.” But when you ask that question, you are telling her that you are here for her, that you love and appreciate her. If you make a habit of asking the question, she will feel secure, cared for and cherished.

The reason we don’t submit and our relationships are not as healthy as they could be is because of fear. We are afraid of the answer. Or we are afraid someone is going to take advantage of us or we won’t be king of the castle anymore. We are afraid it will cost us time, resources, prestige and maybe even jeopardize the good thing we have going on. We are afraid it will cost us something, so why risk it if the status quo is fine already.

Ephesians 5:21 gives us the answer: “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Paul, in that context, is telling us, “out of reverence for Christ, open yourself up to help others, and yes they may take advantage of you, and yes you’ll have to put someone else first, and yes it will cost you.”  But it will not cost you your life as it did Jesus.  And Jesus is the model of mutual submission.

Discussion Questions:

  1. In marriage, what does mutual submission look like? What part do you play in that?
  2. What is the difference between obedience and submission?
  3. What can we do this week to practice mutual submission?

Contract Versus Covenant

Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’ And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” – Matthew 19:4-6.

The above passage in Matthew 19 is very similar to Genesis 2:24: “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This requires a covenant between both of them. Mention that word to non-Christians and Christians and you may get a blank stare. We don’t use the word or concept of a covenant much anymore in Western society. We prefer the word contract. 

Ours is a contract-oriented society. Basically, a contract is an agreement between two or more persons signifying that all signing parties will do something. In a legal marriage, if one party doesn’t live up to the contracts, then legal actions force him or her to do so or to end the marriage with an equitable settlement. The problem arises when you view your marriage only as a contract or as a series of contracts. A contract marriage is where we’re committed to each other if this relationship is mutually beneficial. Contract marriages are an “If…, then…,” mentality. In other words, one spouse relies on the other spouse for happiness. Finally contracts are motivated by the desire to get something.

A covenant, like a contract, is an agreement between two or more persons, but the nature of the agreement is different. Covenants are the fruit of a loving, faithful relationship. The vows we exchange at our wedding reflect a relationship already bound by steadfast love and faithfulness. Covenant partners nurture their relationship. Our marriage will grow as we build up one another in love. This takes place when we value our spouse more than ourselves. As we experience the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, we are able to love our spouse as He loves us. Some basic differences between a contract and covenant: 

Contract: I take you for me.
Covenant: I give myself to you.

Contract: You had better do it!
Covenant: How may I serve you?

Contract: What do I get?
Covenant: What can I give?

Contract: I’ll meet you halfway.
Covenant: I’ll give you 100% plus.

Contract: I have to.
Covenant: I want to.

Discussion Questions:

  1. What does the marriage covenant mean to you as a Christian? How should we submit to God in that covenant?
  2. How can a marriage covenant with God help your marriage where a “contract” doesn’t?
     

Your Results May Vary

“Are you pouring the best into your marriage? Or are you giving it the crumbs and leftovers of a busy life?”  – Ngina Otiende

If you watch TV for an hour each day, chances are you will see a Pharmaceutical commercial that both highlights the benefits as well as gives a long list of possible side effects of a certain medicine. Those side effects are potentially bad, sometimes including death. The commercial then states that the commercial “describes only one person’s experience and your experience may vary.”

We all have an idea of what we think marriage should be—but our expectations don’t always match reality. Marriage is not for everyone. Marriage comes with a long list of expected and unexpected side effects. How do we deal with marriage, even when your results are not typical or your results may vary? Side effects may include anxiety, frustration, hair loss, lack of hearing, sensitivity to turning into your mother and children. How do we deal with marriage, even when our results are not typical or our results vary from what we expected? 

There is no question that people who are married or getting married, know what results they are looking for. Most people get married assuming that marriage is an environment that produces all the things they are looking for: companionship, romance, intimacy, friendship, laughter, financial security, and joy. And we pick our partner because they think/hope/assume that everything can be provided by their future spouse. 

The truth is if you want your results to vary, if you want a godly marriage, both spouses need to contribute to the marriage. Each person needs to contribute things like love, kindness, appreciation. They must develop a servant mentality and the habits that bare a byproduct of that mentality: giving, sharing, loving, being kind, being affectionate, serving, sacrificing, communicating, appreciating, forgiving, accepting, not sweating the small stuff, being consistent, and so on. In other words, your results will vary when you are actively contributing to those results.

When we love another person, we want to give to that person in a way that is meaningful to him or her; we want to be good to that person; our focus is no longer just on ourselves, but is also equally if not more so on the other. We have the other person’s best interests at heart—and not just some of the time, but constantly. We have internalized the other person and their interests so much that they have become a part of us, inseparable from us.  

Discussion Questions

  1. What results are you looking for in marriage? Why do results vary so much in marriages?
  2. What can we do this week to contribute to our marriage results?

The Unlimited Partnership

“When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.” – C. S. Lewis.

Someone has said that marriage is like flies on a screen door. Those that are in want out, and those that are out want in. People have the best of intentions when they get married, yet many marriages fail. But in all the marriages I have presided over and all those I have attended, I don’t ever recall a couple saying, “Well, our intention is to have a miserable marriage.” But in some cases that is exactly what happens.

The real purpose of marriage is to reveal God. It’s to make God look good. Unfortunately, many marriages don’t do that, but that was the original intention and if we want to go back to the beginning and read the owner’s manual we have to turn once again to Genesis 2 where it’s all laid out for us. Genesis 2:24 says, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”  This passage tells us that one plus one equals one. The question is are we ready for the commitment and the participation that simple equation requires?

God has designed marriage to be a wonderful partnership between a man and a woman, one that helps them both pursue Christ-likeness while fulfilling what God wants them to do. It’s a partnership that is born out of love for God and each other, and brings out the best in both people.

The partnership is two people. So you leave mom and dad behind. You also leave past attachments. You don’t look up that wonderful girl or boy that you dated in college on Facebook just to see what they are up to these days. Marriage is a partnership between two people that is built on faithfulness and trust. All other relationships have to be laid aside.

The partnership is built through many acts of faithfulness. Trust is central to the marriage. A partnership means that you learn patience. You learn to accept one another. Accept their differences and you have to begin to see that that’s where God births patience in our hearts. That’s where God begins to birth sanctification because here you have somebody who is very different from you. And the things that attracted you that you thought were so cute you now sometimes find annoying.  Cleave to your wife. Endure and you’ll get huge payback. 

Discussion questions:

  1. In what ways does a marriage seem like a partnership? 
  2. What can we do this week to have more of partnership mindset?

Time To Invest In Your Marriage

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11.

How many times have you and your spouse arrived at the end of a busy week, and neither of you feel like you’ve had a real conversation, let alone spent some quality time together. With all the distractions like work, meetings, family commitments, friends, fitness and so on, there are hardly enough hours left in a day for spending time with your partner. People find themselves complaining about how they don’t have time for themselves let alone spending time with their spouse. Being busy with daily tasks is a part of life, don’t get me wrong, but when your calendar shuts out your marriage, it is time to rethink priorities.

It doesn’t change overnight. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the quality time a couple spends together dissipates. The reality is you will drift away from your spouse when you don’t make time to talk and interact with a specific purpose, rather than idle chit chat. The same thing happens when we forget to pray and are so busy you don’t make time to meet with God. We begin to drift away. Just as we need to be intentional in our relationship with God to mature spiritually, we have to do the same in our marriages to grow closer to our spouse.

In today’s world it is not easy to find time. But to have a successful marriage we need to make time for each other. Maybe we need to move it up on our priority list. It may be that we stop doing some things, or maybe we need to learn to say no, or maybe we just need to get better at time management. 

We should expect more as husband and wife. It’s too easy to give our best time and energy away to everyone and everything else, other than the one you vowed before God to “love, honor, and cherish” for the rest of your lives.  Ask yourself a simple question: How well are you loving, honoring, and cherishing your spouse if you never spend any quality time with him or her? 

You’ll be amazed by the connection you have with your spouse when you start making quality time for them.

 Discussion Questions:

  1. Is there more “me” time or more “our” time in your marriage?
  2. What is your idea of spending quality time with your spouse?
  3. In what way can we invest more time in our marriage/relationships this week? 

Acta Non Verba

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin.

People describe love in so many different and interesting ways. For example, love is like a ditch because you fall into it. Or love is like a virus. You catch it. Love just happens to you. It inhabits your body. Others describe love like a massive forest fire that simply cannot be doused. Love’s passion will burn from this day until death do us part. There is love at first sight. Some people describe love as bells going off in their mind. Others see fireworks or hear birds chirping. Then there is the media enthusiast who describes his life as a drab, black and white silent film before he met her, but now it is 4K technicolor.

Many people equate love and marriage with feelings. The problem with feelings is that they’re always changing. People are fickle. Sometimes, feelings between spouses will be overwhelming. Other times, the same couple may have feelings that are underwhelming. Feelings are important, but what you do about those feelings is more important. If we want a Godly marriage, we must commit to preserve our priorities and values through intentional and unconditional action.

Look at it this way. We do not act in loving ways because we are “in love.”  We are “in love” because we act in loving ways. When it comes to Christianity, we show evidence of Jesus living in us through our actions. If we claim to be followers of Christ, we must show it in our lives and in our actions. Having an overflow of love for Jesus makes us want to love and serve others. We must do that by letting our lives reflect what we believe.The same principles apply to marriage.

We must be willing to put our good intentions into action. In marriage, knowing what you should do is only half the equation. The other half is acting on it. Our tendency is to stop just short of action. God understands this: “ But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.” (James 1:22-24)

In other words, you can say you love your spouse all you want. But if you don’t live out that love in each and every situation, it is like forgetting that love to begin with. Just thinking right does not do anyone any good. Making the decision to live using God’s priorities, followed by daily, consistent actions is what leads to a blessed marriage. In a God centered marriage the couple focuses on doing the right things and then does them.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Marriage works best when both husband and wife surrender their rights for the good of the other. Agree or disagree and why?
  2. What actions can we take this week to improve our marriage?