“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered..” – 1 Peter 3:7

While true intimacy requires two people, this devotional is targeted to men. 

Gary Smalley, the marriage expert and author, says that when it comes to sex, men are like microwave ovens and women are like crockpots. Just push a few buttons, he said, and men are ready to go. Women, on the other hand, take a long time to warm up. I think this is intuitively true and as a result causes a dilemma for men. To solve the dilemma, we men have read books and articles promising unbelievable sex if we only do this or that. But there is no simple or completely effective solution. Why? The solution is knowing our wives and having a servant mentality. 

Our wives are truly incredible women who have a lot going on in their lives. And all those things going on do not cease to exist when she walks into the bedroom. If she is working, she is thinking about projects and deadlines, and the meeting tomorrow just as men do about their profession. And there is other stuff going on in her life as well that doesn’t stop simply because she’s walked into the bedroom. If she is a mother, she’s thinking about the kids, their schedules, homework, etc. She may be thinking about relatives, or getting enough exercise and sleep. Or she may be thinking about finding enough time or margin in the day. And, if we are lucky, she is also thinking about us somewhere in all of that.

Here’s the thing. If we are the husband who demands attention, has high expectations and pouts when we don’t get our way, we are just another person who needs something from her. In some cases she may find it difficult to decide whether we as husbands or the children are the more needy. Even if we only slightly resemble this scenario, we need to change.

We need to start by changing our thinking. We begin by understanding that every part of the relationship and every part of the day contributes to intimacy. Here’s what I mean by that. You can’t act and talk one way in the bedroom and another way in every other environment of the house. If you want her to respond to you in the bedroom, you need to respond to her in all the other parts of the house. That means taking the garbage out. Or paying the bills. Or doing the dishes. Or complementing her dinner and how well she is doing on her job or as a mother. Or helping with the kids. Or giving her downtime by herself.  Or sending her flowers and holding her hand at church. That lets her know how much you love, cherish, and care for her outside of the bedroom.  And it shows the servant mentality that God expects all of us to have. 

There is a time in every marriage when it is enough just for the two of you just to be together; when you couldn’t get enough of each other. As husbands, we want to recreate that moment for our wives.   

Discussion Questions:

  1. Men are called to love/ be servant leaders. What does this look like? Why can this be a challenge?
  2. How much are we committed to the relationship outside the bedroom? How well are we connecting emotionally to our wife outside the bedroom?
  3. How can you let your wife know that you cherish and care about her outside the bedroom? In what areas do you need to take more initiative outside of the bedroom? Are we missing opportunities to meet her needs?
  4. Pray and ask God to help us be the type of husband He desires us to be inside and outside the bedroom.