The Feeling Is Mutual

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” – Ephesians 5:21

In Sunday’s message we talked about the principle of mutual submission. This principle means that every member of the family should submit themselves to one another, not for the people in the family, but because of reverence for what Christ did for us. This principle actually applies to any relationship.

Paul tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Jesus is our model. He came as a servant, submitting His whole life to those He served. Mark 10:45 tells us, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve.” So out of reverence for Christ, we too are to submit ourselves to one another.

The notion of submission bears no sense of inferiority. Contrary to what some people may think, the Bible is clear that men and women are equal in value. Men and women are equally created in the image of God (Genesis. 1:27). Men and women are given co-dominion over the earth (Genesis.1:28). In regards to salvation, there is no distinction between gender, age, or race (Galatians 3:28). And spiritual gifts are given equally to both genders (1 Corinthians 12:4-6).

How can there be a sense of inferiority if Christ is our model? No one is going to suggest that Jesus was inferior to those He came to serve. And it’s mutual submission He’s talking about, not the dominance of one over another.

So exactly how does that work? Let me give you a few examples. For wives that means working together with a husband, not toiling for a master, or seeking to overcome an adversary. For a husband, it will mean not dominating his wife, but sacrificing himself in order to serve the one who is joined to him in unity. For the child, it will mean obeying parents because God has placed them in families. For parents it will mean providing a loving environment where children will grow to independence, loving and serving Christ. For employees, it will mean serving our employers with enthusiasm and commitment, while for employers it will mean treating employees the way we’d like to be treated ourselves.

Mutual submission assumes that the other person in the relationship is of no less value than me. Mutual submission means saying through your actions and words that “I am here for you” and “How can I help you?” Mutual submission means being considerate of one another, caring for one another’s needs, being thoughtful of one another, and caring for one another in a way that puts the interests of the other party first. The byproducts of mutual submission are love, cooperation, loyalty, humility and respect.

The key to mutual submission is found in Ephesians 5, verses 18 and 21: “…be filled with the Spirit” and “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Let’s pray that the Holy Spirit living within us would help us to change our natural inclinations so we can be more Christ-like in our willingness to serve and to submit.

Discussion Questions:
1. What do you think mutual submission looks like?
2. What does love have to do with mutual submission? What part does love play in your picture of mutual submission?
3. How does the world’s use of power and submission differ from God’s use? Should we use God or scriptures or guilt to make someone submissive?
4. What is one obstacle to practicing mutual submission? How can you overcome that obstacle?
5. In what relationship do you need to ask, “I am here for you” and “what can I do to help?”

The Gift Of Humility

“If you plan to build a tall house of virtues, you must first lay deep foundations of humility.” – Augustine

Pride is defined as a “feeling of deep pleasure derived from ones own achievements or from qualities and possessions greatly desired.” In a nutshell, pride is all about me. We know it is there. We also know it can do real damage to our relationships. And add to that the fact that God hates pride and you have ample reason to subdue, and even better, eradicate pride from our hearts. But how? It is not all that easy. And it certainly can’t be done quickly or by reading the daily devotional. But having said all that, let me give you a few points to consider as we work to remove pride from our lives.

It starts with humility. Humility requires change and change requires that we have “the fear of the Lord” in our hearts. Proverbs 8:13 says, “To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.” According to this verse, every heart that fears the Lord will not entertain any prideful thought or attitude. Whereas pride teaches one to take glory for himself, the fear of the Lord instructs us to give all honor to God. Concentrating on God, in awe and fear of what He has done for us, will help us avoid pride and the behavior that results from pride in our lives. Start this week by giving glory to God for every progress and achievement in our lives.

The next step is to actively pursue humility in our hearts. Pride, in Proverbs, is seen as directly opposed or contrasted to humility. Proverbs 18:12 says, “Before a downfall the heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor.” To be “haughty” is to be proud because a haughty person thinks that he or she is better than others, and tries to show off their abilities for personal recognition. On the other hand, a humble person will shy away from self-glory and be submissive to God and others. When a person is not self-centered and focused on humility, it is hard for pride to take root in their heart.

Lastly, cultivate friendships with humble people. Doing life with those who understand humility will help deflect pride. Proverbs 16:19 says, “Better to be lowly in spirit along with the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.” When your friends are humble people, you will learn to emulate them. But if your close friends are arrogant, you may emulate them my adjusting your attitudes and actions to suit theirs.

Curing ourselves of our pride will most likely be a painful process. Losing our selfish pride means learning to live only for the glory of God. Losing our selfish pride means learning to live without being in control of our lives. Losing our selfish pride means means becoming more like Him.

All I know is that I cannot overcome this sin on my own, and I will not overcome it quickly. Even in my pride, I recognize the fact that I am too weak to overcome sin on my own, I need to trust in the power of God’s Holy Spirit to strengthen me for this battle.

Discussion Questions:
1. How do you define pride? How does pride show up in a relationship? What are some of the destructive results of pride?
2. Humility is the cure for pride. What is your definition of humility? Why is humility so important in our relationships? How do you know if you are humble?
3. Read the following verses: Proverbs 11:2, 18:12, 22:4; Micah 6:8 and James 3:13. From these passages, what does the Bible say about humility?
4. Read 1 Peter 5:5-7. In this passage, the Bible says to “clothe” yourself with humility. What does that look like? How do you clothe yourself with humility?
5. Pray and ask God for His help in identifying and working on the areas of pride in our lives and relationships.

Pride Goes Before A Fall

“Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble.” – Daniel 4:37

Maybe you have heard the stories of Nebuchadnezzar, but in case you have not, Daniel, Chapter 4 details the story of Nebuchadnezzar, king in the land of Babylonia. He invaded and defeated Judah, including the city of Jerusalem, ruthlessly killed the inhabitants and took thousands of people captive back to Babylonia including Daniel. Daniel records a few of the king’s activities, including the building of a golden image. After building the golden image, Nebuchadnezzar issues a decree that his all his people were to bow down to it. The golden image symbolized his invincibility. No other king or kingdom could overpower him.

But this “invincible” king was about to learn a valuable lesson that God is sovereign, a lesson he would learn the hard way.

Nebuchadnezzar, proud of his splendor and majesty, aspired to surpass his God-given position of honor, and decided go beyond it. The king had a dream. His wise men were unable to interpret the team so Daniel, who was successful in the past of revealing the dream as well as the what the dream meant, was called.

The dream is a large strong tree that had leaves and fruit but it was cut down and all that was left was the stump. Daniel interpreted the dream and told the king the tree represented him and for seven years he would have the heart of an animal and would behave as an animal for those years. His kingdom would not be taken away from him, although he would be too incapacitated to govern. Daniel appeals to the king in verse 27: “Therefore, Your Majesty, be pleased to accept my advice: Renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue.”

For a period of twelve months, nothing happened. But in verses 29-30 we read the following: “Twelve months later, as the king was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, he said, “Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?”

Verse 31-33 tells us what happens next. “Even as the words were on his lips, a voice came from heaven, “This is what is decreed for you, King Nebuchadnezzar: Your royal authority has been taken from you. You will be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals; you will eat grass like the ox. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over all kingdoms on earth and gives them to anyone he wishes. Immediately what had been said about Nebuchadnezzar was fulfilled. He was driven away from people and ate grass like the ox. His body was drenched with the dew of heaven until his hair grew like the feathers of an eagle and his nails like the claws of a bird.”

Only when he returned to humbling himself before God and acknowledging God’s sovereignty over his life, was he restored back to the kingdom. And he admitted at the end of verse 36 that “… those who walk in pride he is able to humble.” Even the most powerful person. Even kings.

A study of history will reveal any number of great people who fell victim to their pride. Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin and others will go down as major history lessons for all of us to see what pride, arrogance, and a haughty spirit can do to a person and his life.

But what about us? We are not great people or kings. Pride can affect us and our relationships just as easily as the more visible examples in history. We need to ask ourselves if we have blind spots that have been created because we did not recognize pride in my life. And what has been the impact of that pride in our relationships?

My prayer is that God will teach us in the Sabotage series the truth of Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”

Tomorrow we will take about the antidote for pride; humility.

Discussion Questions.
1. Read Daniel 4. How would you entitle this chapter?
2. In Verse 4, the king said he was contented and prosperous. When things are going well in your own life, does this make you more vulnerable to pride?
3. Thinking of yourself as a tree, have you ever been cut down to size? What were the circumstances? Do you think that God was involved? How did you feel afterward?
4. Why do you suppose that God allowed a year to pass before fulfilling the dream?
5. If someone were to give you advice as Daniel did to Nebuchadnezzar in Verse 27, what would it be?
6. Pray that God will teach you to listen to his direction in your life.

Me, Myself and Pride

“A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you’re looking down, you can’t see something that’s above you.” – C.S. Lewis

Pride is one of those things that we don’t like to talk about. Pride is dangerous. Like blood pressure, pride can lurk below the surface, undetected, causing all kinds of damage. But unlike high blood pressure, pride is a spiritual disease that we all have in one degree or another. Often, we don’t even realize it’s there, and by the time we head down that slope, we don’t even know how to get back up.

It was C.S. Lewis who once said that the source of all vice is pride. Other sins are birthed out of pride. The reason why we lie is because we want to keep a good image, make a great showing. That is pride. The reason why we gossip is because we want you to know that we know; pride. I decided not to wait on God because I believe I can get this done; pride. Sin was introduced into the world when Adam and Eve acted independently of God, believing that they could become like him; pride. The Scriptures, C.S. Lewis, and my experience shows me that pride is one of the main catalysts for every sin. Jonathan Edwards said that “pride is the worst viper that is in the heart, the greatest disturber of the soul’s peace and sweet communion with Christ. It is the most difficult sin to root out, and the most hidden, secret and deceitful of all lusts.”

Pride can appear in the most innocuous ways, even in church. We started Northstar in a funeral home with a few dozen people. And now we have five locations, 8 services, not counting online, and several thousand people. I am completely awed by God. We haven’t just made history here, we’ve made eternity. It would be easy for the staff to take some of the the credit. “We worked really hard on our environments.” “We had some good ideas when you look at our success.” The truth is we have a great staff and I would never minimize their contributions, but if we take the credit for what God has clearly accomplished, that is pride. For the record,  the Northstar leadership team knows that God is the reason for our success. There is no other plausible explanation.

Pride affects our relationships with people regardless of what type of relationship we are in: pride makes a husband refuse to admit his faults, but is quick to blame his wife; pride makes a daughter unwilling to change, and is always right; pride makes an employee unteachable and refusing to be open to genuine instruction; pride makes a brother blame others and always has a plan for how it should be done; pride convinces a church member that all his theological beliefs are correct and other people are wrong; pride drives a mom to say that her children will never act like those other kids: pride motivates a neighbor to want more possessions, power, and prestige.

Pride can appear in every facet of our life and is one of those areas where many people struggle. We are always right, always first, always in control, and always the most important. We want everything to revolve around us and to be for us.

For the remainder of this week, we will delve into the subject of pride in more detail and address the most important question: How do we root out the pride that threatens our relationships, including our relationship with God?

Discussion Questions:
1. Do you crave attention, honor, recognition, or reward? Do you become jealous or critical of people who succeed? Do you always have to win? Do you lack ambition for fear of failing?
2. Do you have a pattern of lying about or hiding your failures? Do you have a hard time fully acknowledging you were wrong?
3. Do you struggle more with pride against God or others?
4. Pray and ask God to help identify and help you with the areas of pride this week.

”Use Your Words”

Most parents experience the “be careful what you ask for you may just get it” principle in their lives. As much as the cooing of a baby is so cute, we simply can’t wait until he or she starts talking. “Use your words,” we tell them when they are having trouble telling us what they want. Then the chilling reality hits you. As soon as the child learns how to string words together, they chatter nonstop. They become uber inquisitive and ask a million questions. And loudly too. We stop asking them to use their words. Instead, we wonder how their vocabulary got so big so fast. Sit them down with some activity, like coloring or puzzles and let them converse with themselves for hours.

Some of us have brought our fondness for talking into adulthood. And that includes praying. Praying is a conversation, an opportunity to use our words to tell Him about our ups and downs, our triumphs and struggles and our needs. It is a time to ask God to help in those areas where we need help. Chatting with God is as easy, or maybe even easier, than chatting with another person. For those of us who thrive on communicating verbally, prayer is the best of all worlds. We can talk as much as we want and someone who holds the universe in His hands is listening.

Psalm 66:16-20 says: “Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”

What we can sometimes forget when we are communicating with God is that communication is a two-way street, even though sometimes it may not feel like it. And we cannot forget that a relationship involves two, not one. Prayer is a conversation. God doesn’t just hear our words, He also responds. So it is more than just talking to God, it’s about listening to Him as well. The bottom line is this: God earnestly desires to talk to us and spend time with us through prayer. And what I discovered is that having a real, intimate relationship with God is not about using the “right” words, spiritual techniques, twisting God’s arm, or trying to live a perfect life. It is about knowing Him. To have that relationship, we have to learn to listen to God, not just talk to Him.

There is a family in the church who lost a child. They never questioned their core belief in God. Rather, they were were clinging to their personal understanding and faith in God and His promises, seeking answers on their knees in prayer. “Why did this happen?” “God, talk to me, show me the good in this.” “Touch my heart, Lord.” They had a longing to experience God—to feel the love, strength, and comfort of Jesus. They were praying using all the words they could think of and it didn’t seem like anyone was listening. There were no answers.

And then they did something that is hard for most people to do. They stopped talking. They became quiet. They tried to clear their mind of all the clutter, emotions and questions and focused on being still. In that stillness, God gently said “I am here.” And there was peace that no amount of words could match. The experience was not supernatural. It was not the loud, deep voice you hear in movies. It was more an awareness of His presence. The family believes God’s presence was there all the time, but was drowned out by all the noise in their lives at that time. The stillness heightened the awareness of God’s presence, His will, and His guidance. The family discovered that when we face turmoil and desperate times in our lives, we don’t just need answers from God, we need God.

So while there may not be many lulls in the conversation when using our words,  there is power in being quiet and listening to God and to allow our prayers to become a dialogue with the one who holds our lives in His hands.

Discussion Questions:
1. Are there times when it seems our prayers/words are not getting through to God?
2. Are we better listeners with people than with God? Do we need answers from God or do we need God?
3. When praying, do we leave God an opening to communicate with us? Do we leave an opening for God to talk about something else that may be more important?
4. What areas of your life have you received guidance from God? Do we thank God for His guidance? Did you trust the guidance and more importantly, act on it?
5. Pray and ask God for the wisdom to hear His voice and His direction in our lives.

We Have Met The Enemy And He Is Us

Not many people are happy with themselves. We all want to be thinner or stronger, taller or shorter, happier, healthier, smarter, you name it. There’s a myriad of things we’d like to change about ourselves. And in most cases there are any number of things we would like to change about our relationships as well. The question I would ask about change in the area of relationships is this: how often are we asking others to change and how often do we change ourselves?

Relationships can be challenging in the best of times. Whenever there are two people there is the possibility of differences in perspective and view point. Even for believers, in spite of the fact that we are new creatures, there is the possibility of our old self rearing its ugly head. And when we are facing trials in our life, and some generally hard times, then problems are magnified. They seem bigger. It is times like this when we say things to others that we would never normally say. We are angry and disheartened and the spouse, brother, aunt, co-worker, business partner, or neighbor is on the receiving end of those pent-up emotions. “Yes, I really let them have it with both barrels. And yes, I hit below the belt. Still, I feel justified.  I can’t recover those words anyway, so what do I do now?” That is an easier position to be in than most people realize.

The instinctive reaction to that question for Christians is to pray. But when we are in the midst of a bump in the road or an event that has left us devastated, we often pray to blame God for not preventing the problem, or spend large amounts of time explaining to Him the problem in detail. It seems a bit funny to explain to God what our problem is, but I am confident most of us, me included, has done it. The bottom line is that this prayer is about God “fixing” the problem; and fixing the problem involves showing the other party in the relationship where they went wrong. Because God knows they could use some straightening out.

“Wow, Marty, I felt that one. Fifteen yards for unnecessary roughness.”  Maybe. But I want you to consider that it may be that you are the one who is wrong. At least, more than likely, there is enough “wrong” to go around. When I reflect on the relationships over my lifetime, I have been either wrong or partly wrong a good number of times. Especially when I look at relationships from a Biblical standard.

The Bible is full of instructions on getting along with people. The way that God changes people is by His word. I believe that if you took the time to let His word speak to your heart, there would be some transformation taking place that let you see that other person from God’s perspective and allow you to love them with His kind of love. That doesn’t mean you have to approve of his or her actions or words, or go along with whatever that person does. I’m not asking you to condone their actions, but rather just to see them through the lens of Jesus. The Bible doesn’t tell us that people have to think before they speak or harness their words before we love them, forgive them, or live at peace with them. Nor do we need to seek revenge or retribution. Romans 12:17-19 says: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” 

Fortunately, God doesn’t accept our good part and reject our bad part. He doesn’t write us off because we fail occasionally to meet His standards in our relationships.  He sees us as a whole person. God does not expect you to have “arrived” in any area, including how we use our words. Or in relationships. In fact, He makes it very clear that you will never be all you can be in this life (Romans 8:18-25). That being the case, to have a goal of being a “finished product” in the area of relationships is to set yourself up for failure.  We will make mistakes.  We will say things we wish we had not said.  And yes, we will have relationships that we wish to improve. Remember small changes can make a big difference.

So, are you working on you rather than the other person? Are you taking small steps to being more Christlike? Are you taking small steps to becoming all God wants you to be? Remember our study of Philippians. Paul had no problem asking the Philippians to follow his example because he was modeling a process, not a finished product.

Discussion questions:

1. What percentage would you give of the times you were wrong or partly wrong in your relationships?
2. Are we obligated to forgive someone who harmed us with their words? What if I am still hurting?
3. Words can hurt people. Should we treat repeat offenses different than the first offense?
3. Psalms 86:5 says, “ You, Lord, are forgiving and good abounding in love to all who call to you.” What does this mean to you?
5. How would you rate the quality of your relationships? Friendships? What is the one thing you would change to improve them? Pray and ask God to help you in that area.

 

What’s The Difference Between Communication And Words

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” – Plato

Have you ever met someone who doesn’t talk with you or to you, as much as they talk at you, over you and around you? Those are just words, not communication.

Real communication is completely different from exchanging words. Because someone constantly talks, it doesn’t mean they are communicating. In some cases, they are simply stringing words together. If you want one of the quickest ways to improve a relationship, regardless of the type, learn to communicate with the other person rather than just talk. Honest, open, heart felt communication is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to our spouse, sister, aunt, co-worker, boss, neighbor etc., and to ourselves. It means we are taking the time to hear others as well as having the confidence that we have been heard.

It means that you have clear understanding of what you expect and what others expect from you. And you have an understanding of the changes you may need to make, the forgiveness you may need for yourself and the forgiveness you may need to offer. Open, honest communication eliminates a lot of the fear and uncertainty that your words, or the words of others, may be causing.

Let me give you some examples of what I am talking about. By the way, these are made up. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of my imagination.  Any resemblance to actual events or persons is entirely coincidental.

Example 1: A Northstar Group leader notices that Jill, in their small group, talks freely with other group members before and after the group session. But she never made a comment during the session. The leader discussed her observations with Jill. She commented that Jill had some unique perspectives and some good ideas. Jill agreed that she was much more comfortable talking in private than in public. After some discussion, and getting to know what Jill’s concerns were, the leader encouraged her to share her thoughts with the group. Her understanding of Jill’s hesitancy to speak, and then working out a solution Jill was comfortable with, made all the difference.  The results make it communication.

Example 2: A father was struggling to stay in touch with his teenage daughter. During one rather heated conversation where he learned something he didn’t know, in a combination of hurt and anger, he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?” His daughter’s response hit him between the eyes. She said, “I did tell you. But you were too busy lecturing me to listen.” The father was stunned, apologized and said there will be changes. Rather than immediately trying to solve her problem, he first listens, and calmly discusses the subject with his daughter. And for the first time in years, there is two-way communication between the two of them.

Example 3: Joe just wanted to tell his wife his feelings about a situation in their life and get it over with. His wife, Anne, wanted to talk it out. Joe wanted to confront the conflict straight on, but Anne wanted to avoid it if at all possible. When Joe comes home from work, he wants to make a beeline for the recliner and watch the Discovery Channel. Anne wants to talk about her day volunteering at the hospital. Then one day, Joe realizes that he and his wife communicate differently, and not enough. He decided to make some changes without assigning blame. They got together and talked about their respective communication styles and more importantly their communication needs. They found common ground and a system that works for them through communication.

If you will learn to communicate, rather than just talk in your relationships, you will eliminate much of the harm your words do by never uttering them.

Discussion Questions:
1. Give an example in your life of communicating versus talking? Are we more likely to”fight” or take “flight?” How does that impact our relationships?
2. How do we silence our own inner monologue long enough to really hear another person? Is it hard to be honest about ourselves without being judged?
3. What is it like when our body language conflicts with our words? How does this impact the effectiveness of communication?
4. How would it look if we brought God into all of our relationships?
5. How do we create space for God in your communication with others?

Hello Siri

We sit in front of some type of screen for multiple hours every day. Whether it be a smartphone, navigational system, tablet, TV, or computer, our days revolve around these pieces of technology more now than ever before. Gadgets and their technology have become part of our daily lives. Maybe this technology can help us with our words and thus with our relationships.

I’m not talking about YouVersion, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube? I’m talking about Siri. Siri is the intelligent personal assistant on the iPhone that helps you get things done just by asking. It allows you to use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls, and more. I believe Siri could be a big help in interpersonal relationships, provided we seek her advice. For example,  this conversation between husband and wife.

Sarah: Michael, I have been thinking about this for some time and I believe we need some counseling.  I am willing to work very hard on whatever is suggested at the counseling sessions.
Michael: Makes scoffing sound. “I’ve got pretty much everything I need to patch this thing up right here at home. I do. So why pay a bunch of professionals that will rip us off and probably make you more needy than you are now. You just need to get your arms around your problems and we will be good. Of course, it is no wonder you have issues with your family. Siri, do you agree?”
Siri: Dude, are you kidding me…perhaps you should ….
Michael: I’m thinking this should be fixed in a week or so, or maybe I should scrap the whole thing and start over. Siri, make a note to see if the issues are solved on my calendar two weeks from today.
Siri: Michael, do you have a mute button? You really need to think first, talk second. Do do you realize that you could alienate or even lose the woman you love forever because of an all-or-nothing choice you just presented her with.  You gave her an ultimatum, that was not very….
Michael: Sarah, for one thing, stop talking during the commercials. With all that talking, I am unable to focus fully on the storyline or hear crucial parts of the dialogue.
Siri: What…are you kidding me!
Michael: Take the Papa John’s commercial Sunday evening. As soon as the ad came on, you started yapping about something you were discussing in small group and I totally missed what Peyton Manning said to Papa John. Siri, can you record the commercial next time it is on?
Siri: At least I have artificial intelligence…you on the other hand are an idiot.
Michael: And I hate the smell of Lysol around the house. And you use too much ketchup on everything. And I just can’t listen to any more Michael Bolton songs….
Siri: Sigh.

OK, you get the idea. Siri can’t fix our relationships, only God can. By asking God for constant advice rather than technology, we can put Him on the throne of our lives. As common as our relationship problems are, we often misunderstand what causes them to occur. Much of the time they come from hidden conversations and action patterns within us, not from the behavior or attitudes of others. The problem is we often don’t notice the role that we play. We can be more aware and wise when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.

How do we apply God’s wisdom in our words? A major part of using God’s wisdom in our words is to not forget God’s teaching and to put His commandments in our heart (Proverbs:3:1). If our mouths are to speak from the abundance of our hearts, then our hearts must have the right thoughts from which to speak. God’s Word provides this proper foundation.

It is the right first step. Just ask Siri, I think she will agree.

Discussion Questions:
1. Can we be completely objective in our relationships? If not, why not? Why can others see the problems ahead, but we cannot?
2. Do we have the ability to forgive others when their words or actions harm us? Conversely, can we admit our errors in relationships and humbly seek forgiveness from the ones we’ve hurt?
3. Do we seek to live in harmony with the people we have relationships with? Do we place the interest of others above our self-interest? Do we encourage others by pointing out their strengths, rather than criticizing their weaknesses?
4. Does your time commitments demonstrate that you value relationships over work/career/hobbies.

Learning My Words

“A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.” – Robert Fulghum,

When Roy said on Sunday that we develop traits in 6th grade that carry forward, it reminded me of a book.

Approximately 25 years ago, Robert Fulghum published a book entitled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The book became a number one New York Times bestseller. We were told to share everything, play fair, and take a nap every afternoon. Additional things to live by include, “don’t take things that aren’t yours,” and “say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.” Not all that the book covers is so pragmatic. There is the need to be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all impressed by that. That was the kid in us, to not really know how or why, but just to have wonder.

Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. It is hard to argue with any of those life rules. Once you’ve graduated from Kindergarten, and you have taken these rules to heart, you have a sound foundation for life and strong relationships.

I think most people would agree that life would be better if we had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if every government had the basic default of always cleaning up their own mess. And it is still true, that it is the best policy not to hurt people through our actions or our words. And that is never more true than in our relationships.

Blaise Pascal, one of the great mathematicians and philosophers of our time described it this way: “Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend says of him behind his back. I lay it down as a fact that if all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.” And you can add to that spouses, sisters, brothers, co-workers etc. Words are harmful. And unlike in Kindergarten, where we as kids forget about something said or done several minutes later, we as adults tend to hold onto the hurt and use it as motivation for rebuttal and/or revenge.

The truth is some things are better left unsaid, because harmful words have long lasting consequences. If they are unkind or untrue, you want them to take it back, but it never works. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. There is grace and forgiveness, hope and reconciliation, but once those words go out, you can’t retrieve them. And it is a whole lot easier not to say the words in the first place than to do the damage control of covering your tracks and trying to make amends.

Everything you need to know is in Robert Fulgrum’s book somewhere. Take any one of those items and put it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world. Think what a better world it would be if we all – the whole world – had cookies and milk at about 3 o’clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments had, as a basic policy, to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. Or, if we never learned to use the tongue as a weapon, and better yet, we forgot a conflict a minute later like we did when we were in Kindergarten.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Discussion Questions:
1. Would you want a friend/relative to know what you say behind his or her back?
2, What is the major obstacle to harnessing your words?
3. What is the first small step that would make a difference in your ability to control your words?
4. Pray and ask God to give you the tools and the development to think before you react, and to improve rather than harm your relationships through your words.

Small Changes Can Change Everything

“Real contentment must come from within. You and I cannot change or control the world around us, but we can change and control the world within us.” – Warren Wiersbe

“Marty, I have enjoyed this series, but as much as I have tried, the small changes don’t seem to be making much of a difference in my habits or in my words. I just don’t see much change.”

I understand. We often look around and things seem static. The task seems too large and the journey too long. The preliminary steps we take in that direction don’t seem to make a difference. We feel like we make little to no progress. It is easy to get discouraged and begin asking yourself “why bother?”

Isaiah 55:10-11 tells us: “As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Isaiah is reminding us that God is at work. Wherever the people of God go, change happens. Sometimes it is slow. I heard a quote that said basically, “We don’t wait well. We’re into microwaving. God, on the other hand, is usually into marinating.” Change is not always so slow, although it can seem that way.

In Sunday’s message, I talked about the analogy of life to a race. You can train hard and thoroughly prepare for a race, but when the gun goes off, you never know how you’re going to feel or what will happen. Chances are you might get to a point when the “race” isn’t going the way you thought it would and you wonder why you would ever do something like this. The Bible uses the specific metaphor of a long distance race. The nature of the Christian life is not run in a sprint, but it is run with a steady and strategic pace over a lifetime of endurance. Running requires faith that holds onto God’s promises despite life’s circumstances. Though circumstances can be bleak and seem fruitless, with this metaphor believers are encouraged to press on with an anticipation that there is a finish line with rewards.

Many of you have been running the race since the beginning, some of you have just joined, some of you are going at an incredible pace. And some think your not really prepared for the race ahead. We are here for a reason; to be committed to being the people that God wants us to be. This is where faith and trust comes in. T.F. Tenney once said, “Lets keep the main thing… as the main thing.” The main thing is to lean on and to trust God. Regardless of where we are or what we may think at the moment, God is working. The Spirit is moving. Change will happen if you stay the course you have started.

I find it helpful to capture my “focus for the year” in a word, so that I can stay focused on one main thing all year. This year, my word was “small” based on Matthew 25:21 which says: ”The master was full of praise. ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!” (NLT)

After praying and seeking the Lord, this was the word that kept sticking out in my mind. So I went with it. It really helps me to keep me focused me on doing the small things well. When things get a little busy or overwhelming it is the word I can return to and find clarity and direction. As you focus on your word over an extended period of time, you position yourself for God to form your character at a deep, sustainable level. It’s not the size of the ability, but the faithfulness of the servant that is most important.

Discussion questions:
1. Do we have a hard time accepting God’s timing? Does it seem too slow or too fast?
2. What can we do to accept God’s timing?
3. Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” What are some of the impediments that cause us to take our eyes off of Christ and entangle us while running the race? Can habits distract you? What about a lack of discipline?
4. Is there anything from this series you would like to talk more about? Anything you didn’t understand?
5. How can we as a Northstar group strive to persevere in this race together? How can we be praying for you specifically?.