Jesus And Conflict Management

“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.” – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19.

Conflict is a part of life. There is simply no getting away from this fact. As a human being and as a member of a family, you can be sure that you’ll face relational conflicts. There is no practical way to totally eliminate disagreements or clashes of personality. So, the question becomes “how can I best manage conflicts when they arise?”

The tension that comes from conflict can be healthy and beneficial to growth if dealt with correctly. Look at Jesus. When Jesus addressed problems, he tackled them head-on. While delivering the Sermon on the Mount (and later in Matthew 18) he dealt with the issue of conflicts brought about either by others offending us or by our offending them:

In Matthew 5:23-24: “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

While Jesus was addressing the problem of sin, there were broader principles at work in His teaching. No matter who caused the problem, the solution is the same: First, go to the person with whom you are experiencing a conflict and address the issues face-to-face. I’m not suggesting this is easy. In fact, often the last person we want to talk to is the one we are in conflict with. 

But that is what the Lord expects us to do, and to do so quickly. Jesus counseled that, if someone is worshiping God and remembers that he or she has offended someone, the appropriate response is to stop right there and go immediately to the offended individual. With those words, Jesus made it clear that correct interpersonal relationships are more important than correct ritual. That is because our relationship with God is better gauged by our human relationships than by religious ritual. 

Jesus’ advice is to take the initiative. When you have done something wrong, you go and make it right. When someone else has wronged you, you still take the first step. Jesus is not asking us to do anything he hasn’t modeled for us. He gave up heaven to come down to earth, become a servant and died to repair our broken relationship with the Father. In Jesus Christ, God takes the initiative. When we come to see how important people are to God, we will value the community Christ’s death makes possible. We will value it enough to take the initiative in resolving relational breakdowns.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Why do you think Jesus said to be reconciled before worshipping?
  2. Conflict between people is natural. How can we glorify God in conflict?  How does unresolved conflict affect your relationship with God?
  3. How can I show Jesus at work in me by taking responsibility for my part in the conflict?
  4. How can I help others experience God’s grace by owning their part?
  5. How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage restoration?

The Conflict Blues

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,” – Galatians 5:22.

Music often reflects culture, which explains why there are so many songs about getting what we want. Take the Rolling Stones song, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Then there is the song “Never Gonna Stop” from the movie soundtrack Generation of Iron which include the lyrics: “Never gonna stop, till I get what I want. Never gonna stop, till I get what I need.” And there is a song recorded by any a variety of people titled “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want.” There are many more because we as a society want stuff and much of the conflict in families is predicated on someone not giving us what we want.   

Since every family band hits some sour notes, what can we do to eliminate or at least reduce the conflict? One simple way is to put others before yourself. Start with your level of compassion. We can ask the Lord to develop compassion in our lives. He said to His followers that those who are truly His disciples will show love to one another. It may seem easier to love others than some people in your family, but Christ loves people regardless of who they are. Then try to be empathetic. Consider the needs of those around you. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to put yourself in their situation and treat them as you would like to be treated. This is the golden rule. Matthew 7:12 says, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

Try to develop a servant’s heart. Find ways to serve others rather than expecting to be served. This is the best way to develop a servant’s heart. Putting others before yourself is easier when you are serving them. One of the reasons we find it hard to put others before ourselves is that different people think differently than we do. If my family thought exactly the same way I did then we might have fewer problems, but that is rarely the case. Most families have diverse ideas, and that can be a good thing. Don’t try to force your family into your way of thinking. 

And finally, consider their welfare more important than you getting what you want. You see the effect you have on people’s lives when you put others before yourself. Try it this week and you will see a marked decline in conflicts.

Discussion Questions:

  1. When was the last time you were in a serious fight or quarrel with another person? What caused the conflict? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?
  2. Why do you think it is so hard to put others first?
  3. Read James 4:1-3. What are the selfish desires that capture your attention? When you allow yourself to chase after these, how does it affect your relationships?
  4. How do we reconcile conflicting advice such as:  “Show some pride!” “Stand Up for yourself!” “Walk tall!” “Don’t be a doormat?”

Playing God

“ I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.

You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.” – Exodus 20:1-6. 

We have had some fun with the perception verses the reality of the ideal family. Without knowing each family in the church, I would feel comfortable saying that each family has a whole lot of strengths. Some family members are strategic thinkers, some are good at managing money, others are charismatic, still others are funny. But there is one thing that no member in any family is good at: being God.

We are awful at it. We make pathetic gods whether we are husband or wife, kids or any other relative. The kids may be adorable, or straight A students. The wife may be a great cook, and the husband may be poet and a scholar. Doesn’t matter. They all make terrible gods. 

You are probably wondering where we are going with this. I do have a point and it is this: If you’re in the habit or mindset that other people need to give you what you want, when you want it, then we are asking them to play God. Think about the pressure and weight we put on family members when we expect them to give us what we want. Because at the end of the day, what I want from them is to be what only God can be for me. That creates collateral damage. If there is an unrealistic expectation put on the shoulders of my wife, my children, my friends, they will not be able to do what only God can do for me. The result is stress, fallout, brokenness, anger, betrayal, bitterness, resentment, frustration, and anger.

God has not wired us to want what we want and expect others to give it to us. Nor has He wired us to find happiness in others. When we seek happiness from others and it results in conflict, we need to pause a few moments in introspective thought. Ask a few questions such as: “What do I need to own here? What have I done? Where have I added fuel to this fire?

When we do this, we will find that we have contributed to the conflict and God is the best source for resolution. 

Discussion Questions:

  1. Do we expect our family to play God? If so, how?
  2. What is the best way to resolve conflict?
  3. Is there an area where you are not getting what you want and it results in conflict?
  4. What can you do this week to better depend on God in the area of conflict? 

It’s Personal

“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”’ – Romans 12:17-21.

Conflict resolution tends to be the sticking point in most relationships. If everything is going fine, you have a good relationship. When conflicts arise, you can have a terrible relationship. But many of us believe we have a teflon coating when it comes to conflict. After all, there would not be any conflict if the other person simply did what we wanted them to. As a result, any resolution of conflict is not up to us. The truth is we couldn’t be more wrong.

Conflict resolution is very personal. Why? Because nothing happens unless we do something. Change needs to begin with each one of us. Jesus was no stranger to direct confrontation; we can see his willingness to address conflict head-on when he turned over the money changer’s tables in the temple. So what do we do when we have to face conflict? How do we handle it with courage and a God-honoring attitude? The apostle Paul challenges us this way: “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:17-18)

As Christians, we know some conflict within the family is inevitable. Regardless of the circumstance, we should always strive to be Christlike, even in conflict. Don’t allow bitterness to take root in your heart. “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble… “ (Hebrews 12:15). Then examine your own heart before addressing another’s faults. Jesus challenges us: “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5). God is working in the lives of every member of the family, but he’s just as concerned about our responsibility and responses to situations.

Finally, recognize what is yours to change. I am not responsible for other’s reactions to me, but I do own my attitude and behavior. So ask yourself, where do I need to take responsibility for my contribution to this conflict? Have I done all I can do to achieve reconciliation? This is hard because we look at ourselves subjectively, and often view the problem with the other person. But when we become vulnerable before God and ask him to hold up the mirror to us, we see that rarely do we handle situations perfectly. We can always learn something about our behavior to help us grow.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Who is responsible for resolving conflict in your opinion?
  2. What would it look like, if you or your group, took personal responsibility to bring an end to a conflict?
  3. What are some ways that you may have caused conflict? How do you make amends?   
  4. Pray and ask God how you can be part of the solution in resolving conflict. 

Conflict Resolution

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions[a] are at war within you?You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” – James 4:1-3 .   

When you stop and think about it, the most popular theme in Hollywood movies is family conflict. From the Godfather to Lion King, conflict within families is front and center. Mommie Dearest is another such movie. This biographical film is about movie star Joan Crawford and her callous and abusive behavior towards her adopted daughter Christina. There are many other movies I could talk about, but I think you get the point. 

It makes sense that it would be popular subject matter for Hollywood because conflict is inevitable. No relationship is immune. Conflict arises when we are afraid to tell our spouse that their words hurt us, or to confront our kids about their behavior issues, or Uncle Bill about his negative effect on the family?

But here is what we know. When we quarrel with others, it is most likely because of our own inner conflict, our sinful passions that wage war against our new self in Jesus Christ. James 4: 2 points out the nature of our inner conflict. Simply put, it is our dissatisfaction with our life, or in other words we are not getting what we want. We are dissatisfied with other members of the family. We may be arguing about something, but the problem is not what we are arguing about. So the real problem is not addressed. In the mean time, we are arguing and arguing about something that’s not very important and, in the process, we are generating more conflict. 

Perhaps you have heard a pastor say, “God accepts us the way we are, but He loves us too much to leave us the same.” God wants to change us to be more like Him. That can’t happen if we are resistant and slow to change, full of excuses, and rigid in our defensiveness. The reason conflict resolution is so difficult is that we’re hesitant to place ourselves in uncomfortable situations. We’re also frequently unwilling to humble ourselves enough to admit that we might be wrong or to do what it might take to make amends.

Conflicts will not mend themselves. People do not “get over” insults and injuries. Instead, unresolved conflicts scab over. They go underground, surfacing later, and sometimes with greater fury, animosity, or coldness. That’s why making the changes needed start with us. When managed biblically, conflict can serve as a catalyst for change and an opportunity for spiritual and relational growth. But that depends on whether we can stop wanting what we want and want what God wants. Fortunately, conflict and fighting are not the only options. We can talk about it in a civil, loving, patient way. We can pray about it together in humility and compassion.  

Discussion Questions:

  1. Conflict is inevitable. Resentment is optional. Resolution is up to you.  Agree or disagree?
  2. Do you equate the lack of conflict with spiritual maturity? If so, how?
  3. What does it look like to win a conflict? What does it look like to lose a conflict? 
  4. What types of conflict take place in your family? How often is it a case of wanting what you want and not getting it?
  5. Give some examples of how you were tempted to avoid a conflict, but instead dealt with it. What allowed you to face the difficult situation?

I Can’t Thank You Enough

“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him..” – Colossians 3:15-17.

Just about every family celebrates Thanksgiving in November. But there are families that have 20 or 30 thanksgivings or more each year. They are thankful when they experience healing, or someone gets into the school of their choice, or someone accepts Jesus as their Lord and Savior. They rejoice in answered prayer, and for God’s providence, and for His grace. Multiple thanksgivings would not be good for your diet, but it is good for the family. 

In Colossians 3:17, Paul suggests we can’t have too many thanksgivings: “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”  In whatever we do, on whatever day, we should be giving thanks.  Colossians 2:7 declares we should be “…abounding in thanksgiving..” And in Ephesians 5:20 we’re told that we should be “…giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Chris.  We should be thankful and it is especially true in our homes and in how we deal with our families. What would happen if our families were thankful people? 

Our families need appreciation. They need praise. They don’t need harsh words and occasional hard feelings. In many families, negative words are the method we choose to modify someone else’s behavior. Parents put down their kids. Wives insult their husbands. Husbands malign their wives because they believe that this is the best way to make our displeasure known and to change the behavior of those they are upset from. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that Martha Stewart or Bob Vila doesn’t live in every house. We need to develop a thankful spirit and a trust in God’s plan. 

The best place to start practicing thanksgiving is in His presence. We need to pray to God and focus on the things we are thankful for about our spouse/child/sister/brother or other family member. 

The point is this: We need to be a people who are known for our thankfulness, especially in our homes with our wives/ husbands/ children/ parents. Partly because of the change it can bring about in our families, but more importantly because of the change it can bring to our own lives and hearts.

Discussion Questions:

  1. How often do we thank God for our families? If not, why not?
  2. What do we do when family members are difficult?
  3. Is it harder to show gratitude to family members than other people? Why or why not?
  4. What can you do this week to be more thankful and grateful for our families?

Double Standard

“ My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.” – Proverbs 3: 1-7. 

There is a story of a young boy who is looking at a framed picture of his dad, who was away on active military duty. The mother sees the boy is upset and asks “what’s wrong?” “I want daddy to come out of the frame,” the boy says. Sometimes our relationship with God feels like he’s disconnected from the circumstances and situations of your life. There are times in your life and in the life of your family that you want Him to come out of the frame.

Well, in the Lord Jesus Christ, that’s exactly what God has done. When Jesus took on human flesh, God stepped out of the frame and dwelled among us. Jesus raised the bar and the standards regarding every facet of our lives. Understanding those standards is critical to the journey of every family. Sometimes, when we come face to face with those standards, we want God to stay in the frame and on the mantle rather than the middle of our lives. The world teaches us that standards are a barrier for growth and understanding. The world tells you that having no standard is okay – that way you’re flexible and are true to yourself.

The best place to look for your standards is from the creator and designer of your life. He’s laid it all out in His Word. The standards we have to live with come from the Bible. Who would better know the rules and standards that are best for us than the one who created us?

Living up to those standards can be hard, uncomfortable and discouraging at times. Sometimes, our experiences, mindsets, and outlooks could not be more different. God calls us to be involved in the broken situations, the tough relationships, and the relationships with people who are different from us because He knows that through these relationships we can grow.

It is easy to look at God’ standards as the elephant in the middle of the room. Because you have so far to go it can seem impossible to move the needle in the short-term. We are better served, however, by slowing down and simply following Christ’s example. I have seen how powerful it is when family members truly invest in one another. Through Christ’s own life, we see that it is through deep, invested relationships that the world is changed.

Moving toward God’s standard requires us to overcome our self-focused nature and to step outside of our comfort zone.

Discussion Questions:

  1. How does culture contribute to the wrong standards?
  2. What methods have you used to keep your lifestyle in line with God’s standards? What is the only effective way to be in alignment with God?
  3. Our world is filled with temptation and distraction. How can a family overcome those influences?
  4. What can we do this week to move toward God’s standard as a family?

Fruit Of The Spirit

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,” – Galatians 5:22.

How would life be different if we exhibited the fruits of the spirit in all our family interactions We would be walking billboards of God’s existence and wisdom, and more importantly, we would be striving for God’s standard for the family rather than our own. The fruit of the Spirit is something demonstrated through relationships. We walk by the Spirit when we love our neighbors as ourselves. We walk by the Spirit when we show kindness to the friends who betrayed us. We walk by the Spirit when we demonstrate patience with our children. We walk by the spirit when we love our spouse. We are to grow to think and act more like God does, and the fruit of the Spirit helps outline the path of a Christian.

Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, ““But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” 

Each of these is a characteristic of the Holy Spirit’s active presence in our daily activities. Imagine if our families were characterized by the fruits of the Spirit? Wouldn’t this be an ideal family?  Love doesn’t refer to warm feelings but to a deliberate attitude of good will and devotion to others. Love gives freely without looking at whether the other person deserves it, and it gives without expecting anything back. Loving like that, would raise the bar in a family. Joy is being glad completely independent of the good or bad things that happen in the course of the day. How would family life be different if we focus on God’s purposes for the events in your life rather than on the circumstances. Peace is the absence of turmoil, but calmly trusting that God is in control. That family would be less affected by bumps in the road.   

Patience is the ability to endure treatment from life or at the hands of others without lashing out or paying back. Kindness is at work in a person’s life when we look for ways to adapt to meet the needs of others. Goodness in your desires to see goodness in others, even when that person is a weird or annoying member of the family. And faithfulness: our natural self always wants to be in charge, but Spirit-controlled faithfulness is evident in the life of a person who seeks good for others and glory for God. The fruits of the Spirit reflect the nature of God. Let me say it again: imagine how happy and fulfilled a family would be if it was characterized by the fruits of the Spirit? 

The fruit of the Holy Spirit is in direct contrast with the acts of the sinful nature in Galatians 5:19-21, “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”  This type of fruit reflects our nature.  

Exhibiting and living our lives in accordance with the fruit of the Spirit will take your family closer to being the ideal family.

Discussion Questions:

  1. How are the fruits of the Spirit more than mere niceties? Do you think that they are radically countercultural in their true form?
  2. What fruit do you most recognize in yourself? In your family? What fruit of the spirit would you like to see more evident in your family?
  3. Can the fruit of the Spirit in your life be reproduced in your family? If so, how? 
  4. What would it look like in your life or family if you exhibited the fruits of the Spirit?

See The Family Through God’s Eyes

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”’ – Matthew 7:3-5.

One of the reasons there is a gap between the ideal and the reality of family life is because we tend to adhere to the wrong standard. We are content to lower the bar, the standard, because we distort, or forget God’s standard for the family. What we need to do is to stop looking at life from our perspective and begin looking at life through the eyes of God. It’s when we begin to look at life with the eyes of God that we will have a clearer vision of what God intended for the family. The clearer our vision becomes, the greater success we will have living by God’s standards. 

Seeing life as God sees life will never be easy. When we look at our family through our eyes and our standards, we tend to accept our flaws and shortcomings. God looks at life differently. God also sees people differently than you and I. He sees success and failure differently. In the eyes of many, and even in your own eyes, it may look as if you have failed. It may look as if you don’t have what it takes. But whose eyes are you looking through? What standards are you using?

For us as human beings, it’s natural to look at a problem through logic, past experiences, and what we can see with our eyes. God, however, sees past all that. He looks at our challenges and sees opportunity. Where we see a boring and meaningless job, God sees a ministry and place of growth. When we see hopelessness, God sees a chance for us to experience His hands at work in our life like never before. Where we see weakness in ourselves, God sees an opportunity to show Himself mightily.

There are so many examples in the Bible where people see one thing physically, and God sees something far greater spiritually. In 1 Samuel 16, everyone else saw David as a lowly Shepard, but God saw him as a king.  In Exodus 14, Israel saw the Red Sea as the barrier between them and freedom, but God saw it as the instrument of their deliverance.

When we start looking at the world through God’s eyes, we stop focusing on our problems and start focusing on the victory. Jesus has already won the victory for us. Now its just about accepting that victory and letting it reign in every aspect of our lives. That enables us to focus on correcting the areas where we fall short of God’s standard.

Discussion Questions:

  1. How do you view your family today?  How do you believe God views your family?
  2. Do you believe that having God’s perspective will enable us to better understand God’s standards as far as it comes to family?
  3. What can we do this week to change our perspective?

Every Family is Flawed

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:15

Our saying at Northstar is that nobody’s perfect. You won’t find any perfect people in our church because there aren’t any perfect people. That means that we’re also a “No Perfect Families Allowed” church. We all have flaws and as a result the family we are part of also has flaws and is less than the ideal.

If you have something about your family that isn’t perfect – join the club. There are struggling families, stressed families and good families that are striving to be better – but no perfect families. The question is whether we accept family life as it is, or do we attempt to make it better by striving to meet God’s standard. Each of us has an idea already in mind of what marriage and family is all about. That idea is our “model,” or pattern, or ideal. The difficulty is that many families are not evaluating their lives according to God’s standards, but rather, according to what other Christians, or others, seem to be doing. It is easy to become so occupied with the standards of this world and forgot that Jesus raised the bar. 

God’s word gives us the ideal in everything, including families. We looked at a few family stories in the Bible. There was no effort made to airbrush the complexions of even some of most notable households. God doesn’t attempt to hide the dirty laundry of Bible families. It began with Adam and Eve. The first recorded murder in history occurred between two brothers (Cain and Abel) and the first civil war in the nation of Israel was between David and his son. Abraham, the father of the nation of Israel gets his maid servant pregnant then ends up sending her and her son away because his wife Sarah couldn’t get along with them. Jacob tricks his older brother out of his birth right. Jacob then works for years for an untrustworthy uncle who continuously cheats him.

Fast forward to today. None of us grew up in perfect homes. Our folks had flaws. Our kids will grow up and look back on our flaws.  So what do we do with our flaws? We need to strive for God’s standard and not be happy with whatever standard we are using at this time. 

In this series, we’re going to discover what the Bible says about dealing with the imperfections in family and navigating the struggles of family life. We get to pick our friends but none of us get to pick our families of origin. As a result, family relationships can be the most challenging in our lives. They can also be the most rewarding. No one’s family is perfect, but it is possible to aspire to an ideal. 

Discussion Questions:

  1. What is your definition of an ideal family? How do we best determine where we are as a family?
  2. What is your favorite part of being a part of a family? What is your favorite part of being a member of the family of God?
  3. Why do you think every family in the Bible had flaws?
  4. What can we do this week to move toward God’s standards for our family?