Time To Invest In Your Marriage

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11.

How many times have you and your spouse arrived at the end of a busy week, and neither of you feel like you’ve had a real conversation, let alone spent some quality time together. With all the distractions like work, meetings, family commitments, friends, fitness and so on, there are hardly enough hours left in a day for spending time with your partner. People find themselves complaining about how they don’t have time for themselves let alone spending time with their spouse. Being busy with daily tasks is a part of life, don’t get me wrong, but when your calendar shuts out your marriage, it is time to rethink priorities.

It doesn’t change overnight. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the quality time a couple spends together dissipates. The reality is you will drift away from your spouse when you don’t make time to talk and interact with a specific purpose, rather than idle chit chat. The same thing happens when we forget to pray and are so busy you don’t make time to meet with God. We begin to drift away. Just as we need to be intentional in our relationship with God to mature spiritually, we have to do the same in our marriages to grow closer to our spouse.

In today’s world it is not easy to find time. But to have a successful marriage we need to make time for each other. Maybe we need to move it up on our priority list. It may be that we stop doing some things, or maybe we need to learn to say no, or maybe we just need to get better at time management. 

We should expect more as husband and wife. It’s too easy to give our best time and energy away to everyone and everything else, other than the one you vowed before God to “love, honor, and cherish” for the rest of your lives.  Ask yourself a simple question: How well are you loving, honoring, and cherishing your spouse if you never spend any quality time with him or her? 

You’ll be amazed by the connection you have with your spouse when you start making quality time for them.

 Discussion Questions:

  1. Is there more “me” time or more “our” time in your marriage?
  2. What is your idea of spending quality time with your spouse?
  3. In what way can we invest more time in our marriage/relationships this week? 

Acta Non Verba

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin.

People describe love in so many different and interesting ways. For example, love is like a ditch because you fall into it. Or love is like a virus. You catch it. Love just happens to you. It inhabits your body. Others describe love like a massive forest fire that simply cannot be doused. Love’s passion will burn from this day until death do us part. There is love at first sight. Some people describe love as bells going off in their mind. Others see fireworks or hear birds chirping. Then there is the media enthusiast who describes his life as a drab, black and white silent film before he met her, but now it is 4K technicolor.

Many people equate love and marriage with feelings. The problem with feelings is that they’re always changing. People are fickle. Sometimes, feelings between spouses will be overwhelming. Other times, the same couple may have feelings that are underwhelming. Feelings are important, but what you do about those feelings is more important. If we want a Godly marriage, we must commit to preserve our priorities and values through intentional and unconditional action.

Look at it this way. We do not act in loving ways because we are “in love.”  We are “in love” because we act in loving ways. When it comes to Christianity, we show evidence of Jesus living in us through our actions. If we claim to be followers of Christ, we must show it in our lives and in our actions. Having an overflow of love for Jesus makes us want to love and serve others. We must do that by letting our lives reflect what we believe.The same principles apply to marriage.

We must be willing to put our good intentions into action. In marriage, knowing what you should do is only half the equation. The other half is acting on it. Our tendency is to stop just short of action. God understands this: “ But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.” (James 1:22-24)

In other words, you can say you love your spouse all you want. But if you don’t live out that love in each and every situation, it is like forgetting that love to begin with. Just thinking right does not do anyone any good. Making the decision to live using God’s priorities, followed by daily, consistent actions is what leads to a blessed marriage. In a God centered marriage the couple focuses on doing the right things and then does them.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Marriage works best when both husband and wife surrender their rights for the good of the other. Agree or disagree and why?
  2. What actions can we take this week to improve our marriage?

The Power of Positive Speaking

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” – Ephesians 4:29.

Have you ever looked at a couple in a restaurant and noticed that they don’t seem to look at each other even though they are talking? Their eyes are focused elsewhere. In fact, they don’t seem to talk to each other at all. One wonders if this is the way they conduct themselves in the car on the way home, in their living room, with the kids, or even in the intimate moments as husband and wife. 

Is it a case where they have said everything they have to say to their spouse? Has every subject been covered, so there is no more need for words? Are they apathetic? Are they angry? Or have they become disinterested because they stopped saying and doing the things that brought vibrancy to the marriage. Or maybe they have just become comfortable talking at each other, rather than to each other. 

Proverbs 25:11-12 (MSG) says, “The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, And a wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger.”  The fact is most couples have demonstrated the ability to communicate effectively. Think back to when you were dating, to all the phone conversations, to all the cute messages left on her answering machine or now on her Facebook and Twitter accounts. You couldn’t wait to tell her or him how much you appreciate him or her or that you wanted to say “I love you.”

You’d stayed up long hours trying to get to know everything you possibly could about your future spouse. You wanted everything romantic in the relationship to be a five-star production. We gladly undertook hours of elaborate and expensive preparations to make sure an event or activity was one he or she would never forget. So what happened between dating and marriage?

The reality is we change once we get married. Not abruptly, usually over a few years time. The husband who was once “fun-loving” is now more serious. They stopped going on dates. Valentine’s Day had fallen off the map. “She doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore.”  “He never compliments me anymore.”

Pursuing the spouse is one of the things that can be kicked to the curb. It can be one of the first things we offer up as a sacrifice on the altar of life. It should be the last. We should go out on dates. Say the positive things about him or her you are thinking. Do stuff together. Laugh together. Share thoughts and ideas together. Pray together. Show an interest in what interests your spouse. 

Discussion Questions:

  1. What role does communication play in pursuing your spouse? 
  2. What do you think you need to do as a couple to get from where you are in communication to where you need to be? 

Do You Like Leftovers?

“Are you pouring the best into your marriage? Or are you giving it the crumbs and leftovers of a busy life?”  – Ngina Otiende

It has been one of those days. Nothing has gone right and to make matters worse, you have been running around like a crazy person trying to get everything done. The boss and the kids hit every last nerve and the wifi is down so you can’t get that report done. All you want to do is go to bed and wake up to a new, and hopefully, better day. As you stagger toward the bed, your spouse walks in and is interested in spending some quality time with you. Sigh. In your most dramatic voice, you say, “sorry honey, too tired. Maybe tomorrow.” 

You are a little concerned because this happens more than it probably should. But, it is what it is right now. And besides, your spouse understands and you are confident your spouse is full of grace. He or she will always be there for you. You are comfortable your spouse will stick it out even though some of the “early magic” has disappeared. You have a lot going on so for now, my spouse will have to be happy with the leftovers in the areas of time, energy and emotion.   

When we stop actively pursuing our spouse, bad things usually happen. What typically happens is you create a functional arrangement and exist as roommates, committed to raising your kids and getting through the day. We become happy with just some leftovers. We feel just like a leftover — used up, dried up, discarded, and stuck in the back of the fridge.

It hasn’t always been this way. When you were dating and in the early years of your marriage, we saved more time, energy and effort for each other. We couldn’t wait to sit down and talk, or go out on a date, or tell each other our feelings.  Back then we thought it would never change, but it did. It happened because we stopped pursuing each other. We became content with making excuses. That is when leftovers showed up on the menu. And over time they became more of a staple than a once-in-awhile thing. And if they are the main staple of your marital diet, your marriage will not have the joy and intimacy that God wants for every married couple.  

Every husband wants to be pursued by his wife and every wife wants to be pursued by her husband. We need to alway pursue our number two in order for them to see they are pursued, valued and cherished. Making your spouse feel special and a priority is an important and intentional choice that takes work. Work to be a husband/wife who keeps pursuing their husband/wife because you still deeply desire and love them and you are not satisfied with leftovers.

Discussion questions:

  1. What happens when we stop pursuing our spouse?
  2. What can we do this week to start removing leftovers from the marriage menu?

Life, Liberty And The Pursuit Of My Spouse

“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” – Romans 14:19 (ESV). 

The Bible often times uses marriage as an illustration of our relationship with God. We are expected to be loyal to God in the same way a husband and wife should be loyal to each other. Our relationship with God comes first and should be actively pursued because it will not automatically happen. We have to work at it in the same way a married couple should work on their relationship. If we do not pursue God, our relationship with Him will suffer. In the same vein, if we do not pursue our spouse, that relationship will suffer as well.

A funny thing happened on the way to the marriage ceremony. After the I do’s, we stop the pursuing activities that naturally filled the dating stage of our relationship. In the dating stage, we want our potential spouse to know that we are interested in them, but once we caught them, the pursuit sometimes ends.    

Pursuing your spouse tells him or her you are invested, you are interested, and that you care. Christ is my ultimate pursuit, but my spouse is number 2.  A marriage should be marked by constant pursuit: of Christ first, and each other next. And the fact is, that pursuit may not be as time consuming or tiring as some people may think it is. Sometimes it is the little things that make all the difference whether it is through words, actions or through being an example.

Certainly a key one is affirmation. We all crave it, we all appreciate it, and we all thrive from it; especially the guys.  Knowing this should motivate us to compliment our spouse and to let them know what they mean to us. But sometimes we forget to take the time for affirmation. We need to find the time to both affirm and encourage our spouse through our words. 

I hope that if you take nothing else from The Vow series, you understand that our spouse is worth our love and devotion. We should be pursuing them just as much as they desire to pursue us. Being intentional in investing in our marriage selflessly in this way will cultivate a healthy relationship between you. 

All of the little, seemingly miniscule and insignificant things we do make up a bigger picture. Making dinner, taking out the trash, taking the kids for a few hours, filing up the gas tank, buying flowers, those are all of the things that make up the lifeline of a marriage. If you want a thriving, healthy, fulfilling marriage, stop going through the motions, and start pursuing your spouse with purpose, passion, and love.

Discussion questions:

  1. What does pursuing your spouse mean to you? Why do you think it is so important to pursue our spouse? 
  2. What can we do this week as a start to pursuing our spouse?  

Praying Together

“When the going gets tough…tough couples PRAY.” – Kyle Gabhart

On Sunday, we talked about priorities, putting God first, your spouse second, and then protecting those priorities. One of those priorities should be prayer. Prayer has immeasurable capabilities to transform the reality around us. Prayer moves the hand of God. Through our prayers He moves, transforms, and heals us. Successful marriages have talking to God through prayer as its cornerstone. We should strive to pray daily for – and with – our spouse.

Prayer is the married couple’s declaration of dependence on God. When married couples don’t pray, it’s their declaration of independence. It’s the couple’s way of saying “We can do this without God.” The truth is we can’t do marriage well without God, and talking to God on a daily basis works like glue in a marriage.

Something amazing happens to our hearts when we pray for our spouse. The hardness melts. We become able to get beyond the hurts, and forgive. We are rarely phony or petty in prayer. We drop the excuses and masks. We open up and are vulnerable before God. Because prayer is intimacy with God, a natural by-product of praying together is intimacy with each other. Corrie Ten Boom said, “Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?” 

The Bible tells us, “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). In order to do this, you must pray for yourself first, that you will be the person God wants you to be. You can begin with Psalm 51:10: “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Only then, when we have a clean heart and a right spirit, will we be in the right place to pray effectively for our spouse. Then pray for and with your spouse.

Prayer is more personal and powerful when we accept prayer not as a daily or daunting task, but as a way of life. When we strive for closeness not only with our spouse, but closeness with God, we can ultimately deal with the everyday challenges we face. Pray that God will help and guide your marriage. Ask God to teach you and your spouse how to pray together so you can have the marriage He intends for you to have.

This Valentine’s Day, one thing will say “I love you” better than any card, outlive any flower, and be remembered longer than any romantic dinner: praying for and with your spouse.

 Discussion Questions:

  1. How important is prayer in marriage? Do you think it is important to pray together rather than separately? 
  2. What can we do this week to start earning our black belt in prayer as marriage partners?    

God’s Marriage Knot

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:12.

It makes sense that since God created marriage, He is interested in the outcome. And since only God has the ability to make a marriage as He intended it to be, it would be prudent to hand over our marriage and relationship to Him.  Because at the end of the day, a Christian marriage is the effort of two people to create for each other the circumstances in which each can become the person God intended him or her to be. 

It comes down to priorities. Are we living out our life as if God is in control? Are we handing over all our cares and problems to Him? Are we secure knowing He has a plan for our lives?  Are you enjoying the peace and joy that only a relationship with God can provide? Do you know that God will actually make a difference in your life?

There are many things we can do to produce a healthy marriage, but there are some things that only God can do.  We count on our spouse to make us happy and to fill our life with joy.  In the final analysis, the only person who can meet your deepest needs is Jesus. If you are looking for a man or woman to do that you are looking in the wrong place. From the beginning of the honeymoon, all along the way, partners struggle with their weaknesses, their differences and with the crises that life brings their way. Every marriage sees conflict. Every marriage is a journey of hills and valleys, highs and lows. There are times when we argue over trivial issues or when we think our partner acts like a child. There will be times when we get frustrated because we cannot agree about something that is important to each of us. 

Many people seem to think that God needs a little help, so we must work our hardest and do our best and burn the candle at both ends because God will intervene in some cases, but ultimately it all rests on us to take care of all the details. Faith is something we give lip service to, but do we live it?  Here is the bottom line: God won’t make a difference until we start living by faith, knowing that He can manage anything better than we can.

God wants a healthy marriage for each of us that get married. But we must work at creating the environments that allow Him to do that. In loving God and loving each other, couples grow together – and become the people God wants us to be. We simply need to operate on faith that God has our marriage in His perfect plan.

Discussion Questions:

  1. Where do you stand in giving God total control over your life?
  2. What problem(s) in your marriage do you see as your responsibility? Which do you see as God’s problem?
  3. What do you think God is doing in your marriage right now?

This Is Where I Draw The Line

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. The land you have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance! I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.” – Psalm 16: 5-8.

Boundaries. Fences. Partitions. They perform a vital role in our lives. Boundaries are designed to protect something, not to prohibit. A ski boundary line, a railing on a bridge, a divider on a freeway, directions on the back of a medication, these boundaries are not set in place to hinder you, they are set in place to hedge against danger. It is not always easy to figure out just what is and isn’t a healthy boundary.

Boundaries were established by God. God established the universe with a certain order and specific boundaries. “Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.” (Genesis 1: 6)  God created different animals, different plants and vegetation, different celestial bodies. Then He created man, and from man, woman. Boundaries are a fundamental element of any relationship, business, or organization. Since marriage was created to be the most intimate of all human relationships, shouldn’t it be given more careful thought when it comes to boundaries?  When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well.

Boundaries are like fences that help control our behavior. They indicate where we must stop and change course. They define what belongs to me and what belongs to my spouse. They are edges that warn me if I come too close, or if I cross them, certain consequences will predictably happen. They are part of God’s order for His creation.

Boundaries are all about protecting something that deserves protecting. That is all boundaries are for, protection. I encourage you to place some boundaries on your marriage. Maybe it’s not still talking to some old girlfriends. Maybe it’s no dinner dates with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe it is not staying for longer than a few minutes. Maybe it’s not leaving your clothes all around the house.  Whatever it is, make sure your spouse knows your fears, thoughts, and concerns so they don’t “accidentally” find themselves wandering so far away that one day you both can’t find your way back. They are guardrails set up so you won’t go off the road in your marriage. 

Discussion Questions:

  1. Does setting boundaries make you selfish in your mind?
  2. How do boundaries relate to submission?
  3. What boundaries do you need to set in your marriage?

Second Fiddle

“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”  – Matthew 19:4-6.

Leonard Bernstein, director of the Philharmonic Orchestra, was once asked what was the hardest instrument in the orchestra to play. The orchestra leader thought for a second and said “second fiddle!” As any musician knows, every instrument is vital to the total sound of the orchestra. The finest musician in each section of the orchestra always occupies first chair. However, there can be no orchestra without those playing second, third, and even fourth chair.

Being second fiddle in a relationship doesn’t sound all that good. Every one wants to be first, number one, the person who gets all the credit. Who doesn’t want to be center stage?  Many times, we aren’t all that willing to play second fiddle to God. We want to determine our destiny. We want to be in charge of our future. We want to make choices based upon what we know, what we want, what we think.

But when it comes to God, I’m not sure we can even be considered “second fiddle” players. And that includes marriage. While most people think of marriage as a union between man and wife, there is also a third entity in every marriage, God. When it comes to marriage, both the husband and wife should play the second chair to God. We think the key to our marriage is loving our spouse better, or them loving us better. But Jesus tells us that the first and greatest commandment is that we love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. (Mark 12:29-30). This means when God sits in the first chair, we see love differently, and can love our spouse in extraordinary ways. When we decide to make our relationship with God first in our lives, everything else will naturally fall into the right order. Our relationship with God should be a top priority.

When we love God first, our relationship with our spouse will transform. This should come as no surprise given God’s tremendous love for us through the death of His only Son, and the fact that God loved us first. What greater foundation can you have with your spouse than one that is formed by the presence of God’s unconditional love? 

If your spouse has put God in the first chair and you in the second chair, that is a good thing. Putting God center stage is the foundation for a stronger marriage.

Discussion questions:

  1. A lasting and fulfilling marriage will require a significant investment in your relationship with God and your spouse. Agree or disagree and why? 
  2. How does the idea of playing second fiddle play out in other relationships?  
  3. Ask God to give you wisdom as you seek His instruction and apply it to your life and marriage this week and year.

Are You Off Center?

“And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.” – Deuteronomy 6:5.

Steve Maraboli, speaking on priorities said, “when someone tells you they are too ‘busy’ it’s not a reflection of their schedule, it’s reflection of your spot on their schedule.”  The point is this: If God is not our priority, it is not a reflection of God, but a reflection of the spot we put God in our schedule and in our priorities. God longs to be and should be the center of the universe and will always be the center of our lives.   

Most Christians when establishing a list of priorities, include God, spouse, children, others, job and ministry, howbeit, in different orders. Making a list of priorities doesn’t mean that we neglect the lower things for the upper things.  All of these things are things that matter to God and thus should matter to each one of us. But in life and in marriage, the list begins and ends with God. The number one priority in our life should be God. But it should be deeper and more inclusive than that.

I don’t want God to be just a priority in my life. He should not be relegated to a bullet list of things that really matter to me. Because when we simply place Him on the top of the list, we are claiming that He is part of our lives. If we make God another line in a list, we are suggesting that God plays a role, albeit large role in my life. But God shouldn’t be a role player, or another component in our lives. God should be our lives. To be a follower of Jesus means that God owns my life. There’s nothing outside of Him. It means giving up ourselves and desiring God’s will above all else.

I don’t want to compartmentalize God. I don’t want to think of Him as separate from any aspect of my life. Instead, as I think through each “priority”, I want to consider how that part of my life is critical to Him. How does He want me to use that part of my life for His glory? When we establish a list of priorities, God is the list, because the whole list comes out of God. My priorities are established through Him. In fact, my prayer is that the list is actually a list of His priorities.

Marriage will test our desire and ability to put God in the center of everything in life. There will be job callings and job problems, a sink full of dishes, a gazillion loads of laundry, and trash bags full of dirty diapers, unpaid bills, lack of sleep to name a few. Although encountering problems in this life will never cease, our lives can be dramatically simplified, purpose-filled, joyful, and effective the moment we begin to live with Jesus as the center of our lives.

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5-8)

Discussion questions:

  1. How can we put God in the center of our lives?
  2. What are the obstacles to making God the center of our lives?